If no one even seems to be looking for the answers anymore…
I should know.
When I brushed up against those same dark thoughts as a younger woman, I doubled down on work. I took on more clients, more employees, growing my business until the chaoswas just barely manageable. And when it eventually became manageable enough to let the old fears in through the back door, I turned my attention to finding the perfect love society promised would banish the darkness once and for all.
I did my best to find that with Teddy, and when that failed, I went through a sad, fractured time. But eventually, I renounced the lies I’d been raised to trust, stopped believing anyone was coming to save me, and learned to love myself. Todeeplylove myself, in an honest, integrated way that finally put my feet firmly on the ground.
And there, in that sacred place, I found the peace I’d been looking for. It was there inside me all along, an abiding love that will never lie or leave. And yes, sometimes I still want to be held. I still want passion and companionship. I still want to walk down a NOLA street, laughing with a man I love to kiss, giddy about what comes next.
But in the past, what came next was never what I’d hoped for. It was never what I’d beenpromised, so long as I followed the rules and was a very good girl. A goodwoman, but not too much of a woman. Not too bold or too loud or too successful or too old.
God, never that.
And yet, here I am, so close to society’s definition of “past her prime” that I’d started to give up hope. I knew that on some level before Nix, but what I didn’t realize was that a part of me was…relieved.
Happy, even.
It was glad to be done, to be allowed to give up on that stupid “happily ever after” dream that had already stolen so much of my life. No, I didn’t really want to be alone forever, but alone was so much better than any romantic “love” I’d ever known. And I’m not really alone. Not really. I have my friends and family. I have volunteer work and my business, and a place in a community that values what I have to give.
And now, maybe, if I’m brave enough, I might also have a man who adores me, who wants to give me pleasure and laughter and support without asking me to be something I’m not.
It feels too good to be true.
It’s fucking terrifying, and not just because I know how much it would hurt to lose something so sweet.
It’s terrifying because I would be tempted to betray myself to keep it. I would be tempted to slide back into little white lies, and trying too hard, and giving too much, and lavishing praise where praise isn’t due, to protect the fragile man holding my future in his hands. And when he left, the way they always do, I’d be back at rock bottom again, all my hard-won peace stolen away.
But what if he’s not fragile? What if he’s nothing like Teddy? What if he’s every bit as strong and steady and ready to match every part of you as he seems?
Before I can remind the inner voice that men are rarely as strong or steady as they seem, it adds,And if your peace is that easily stolen, was it ever really yours in the first place?
Well, fuck.
Touché, inner voice. Tou-fucking-ché…
The sun breaks over the roofline of the house next door, spilling gold across the garden like a promise.
I turn my face toward it, eyes closed, letting the warmth sink into my skin as I gather my courage.
Yes, I’ve been through hard times, through pain that forced me to transform in ways I didn’t always want to. I never wanted to be forty, single, never married, childless, with zero romantic prospects in sight.
But on the day Teddy’s wedding invitation arrived, I was all those things.
And yes, I was angry and more than a little bitter, but learning my ex was marrying my former assistant didn’t breakme. It didn’t even get close. My peace held, keeping me steady through the storm and the rage, helping me put one foot in front of the other until I cooked up a devious “fake dating” scheme to help close that chapter on my own terms.
And now…
Now, I don’t care about Teddy, I realize. Or Madison. Or their stupid wedding.
I don’t care about revenge or what people are saying or if my friends secretly pity me for being used up and left behind.
I wasn’t used up. I wasn’t left behind.
I was right where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to do. I was holding myself accountable and growing up and learning my lessons, and now I’ve met a man who’s been doing the same. And yes, he’s younger than I am, but maybe sometimes ageisjust a number.
Maybe it’s okay to jump into the deep end and trust that, for once, a man is truly ready to jump with me.
“Good morning,” a soft voice rumbles from behind me. “Is it okay if I grab a cup of this coffee?”
