Shit.Idowant to see her, but I know my head’s not in a good place right now.
“Did you walk here?” I call out as I approach.
“No. I was out to dinner, so I had Lauren drop me off here when we were done.”
“Lauren Flynn?” Why would she have someone we work with drop her off at my house? Unless... ?
“Yeah, she knows,” Morgan says, clearly able to read my expression even in this low light.
“How?” It doesn’t really matter, but I’m curious if Morgan told her or if she figured it out.
“She already suspected,” Morgan says. “But I told her the truth about what was going on. And Eva Hartmann, and my cousin, Paige.”
My eyebrows lift slightly as I try to process my own jumbled thoughts. Telling her best friend and her cousins feels very much like launching a relationship. And no matter how much I already think of Morgan asmine, I know she can’t ever be.
“You’re not worried about your dad finding out?”
“Why would my closest friends gossip about me with my dad?” Her tone is dry and unamused. “Are you freaking out that I told people?”
“No, not freaking out,” I say cautiously. “Just trying to figure out why.”
“Because I needed advice.” She reaches her hand out like she doesn’t have the energy to stand and needs me to pull her up. Maybe she’s not as recovered as she thinks.
“Advice about what?” I ask, now eye to eye with her where she stands on the step.
“I wasn’t sure what to do aboutus.The thing is, Aidan, you want this to be casual but it’snot. Nothing about us together is casual aside from the fact that you don’t want a commitment.”
Tell her you’re not in a good position to have this conversation right now,I scream at myself in my head. But I know that she doesn’t deserve to be blocked out like that just because I’m a mess.
“Doyou?” I ask, instead. I never envisioned her wanting an actual relationship with her stepbrother who is also one of her dad’s clients, no matter how she might feel about me.
“I think if I’ve learned anything through this whole experience,” she says, her voice quiet and sad, “it’s that I already know how to do casual, and it’s not what I want.”
That doesn’t really tell me how she feels aboutme.
“And the thing is,” she continues, “I know you don’t want a relationship. But I don’t want to be with someone who’s just with me to pass the time.”
“You know that’s not what this is for me.”
Her full lips flatten into a nearly straight line as she watches me, her eyes scanning my face like she’s looking for something. Whatever it is, she must not see it because her lips turn down at the corners for a moment.
“Do I? Then what is this between us?”
I want to tell her how I really feel. I want to suggest that we give it a try. But I can’t overcome my fear of her eventually deciding I’m not enough, or of something bad happening and me losing her.
And mixed into those fears in the back of my mind, I also can’t quite escape considering how her dad would react to this relationship, or what he might do in response. After the last year without hockey in my life, I know I can’t do that again—not right now, anyway. Plus, her dad is the only parent Morgan has agood relationship with, so I wouldn’t want to be the reason that there’s any kind of a wedge between them.
I gulp, and the words don’t come.
“That’s what I thought,” she says, tilting her chin up as she looks up at the streetlamps that line the picturesque street. Then she looks back at me. “I guess we’re at an impasse then.”
My chin falls to my chest, and it feels like the muscles of my heart all contract at once. I want to tell her she’s wrong, that I can be the person she needs me to be.
But I know in the end, one of us will get hurt. I’m not willing to hurt her, and I sure as hell don’t want her to hurt me, so maybe this is how it has to be?
“I want to be with you, Morgan,” I say, looking back up at her. “I just can’t be the person you need me to be.”
“You already are, that’s the sad part. Being with you is like being seen for the first time. It’s being appreciated for who I am, not who I could be. It’s unconditional acceptance and unequivocal support. How do you give that to someone, and then still tell them you can’t be with them? That you’re not right for them?” Her voice cracks with the question, and it breaks my heart wide open. “You showed me what we could be, and now you’re letting your fear get in the way of the future. And I’m not sure I can ever forgive you for that.”
