“Jesus Christ, Brooke.” He places his hand on my arm.
“I think I must have blocked some of it out because most of it I heard in court, but my dad came in when she was hurting Beck, and that’s pretty much the story of how she got arrested. She should have been in jail a lot sooner, but my dad traveled a lot for work back then and didn’t realize everything that was going on.
“After the trial, we moved to Oklahoma for a fresh start. It had been in the news, and since we were so young, my dad wanted us to get away from all of it. Lucky for us, we moved across the street from the Kings, and I think they helped us more than they probably know. Carol and Tim became like family, andthe rest in that part of the story is history.” I smile, but it’s forced.
“I hate that this happened to you guys. But can I say something?” he asks cautiously.
I nod.
“Why do you feel like it’s your fault that she hurt you and your brother?”
I shrug one shoulder. “I don’t think she wanted another baby, from what I’ve pieced together. And because my dad was gone so much, I think it was too much for her to manage on her own. My dad has never defended her to us, but he was aware of her mental illness when they got married. He just thought she was on her medication, but she wasn’t.”
“None of that is your fault though. You can’t carry the weight of that, Brooke. Have you considered going to therapy?”
“I’ve been in therapy since I was young, off and on. But after she showed up at Beck’s game a few years ago, I’ve been seeing someone regularly. I’m sorry. I probably should have told you all of this sooner. Does this change your mind about staying married to me?”
He takes my chin in his hand and kisses me softly. “Never in a million years would this change anything for me.”
The kindness and gentleness of his voice overwhelms me, and I can’t stop the tears that start to fall.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, baby.” He wraps me in his arms.
I hold on to him, too, as I cry, but I don’t stop talking. It’s like he opened up the floodgates. “I think once I was old enough to understand what had happened, and probably before that, I tried to do everything right, be the perfect daughter. I didn’t want to upset my dad or my brother, so I agreed with everything they said or did. And I really didn’t want to be a burden or worry them because if Beck hadn’t had to protect me, none of the abuse would have happened in the first place.” I sniffle and wipe my drippy nose. “Logically, I know that’s not real, but it’s been a struggle to work through.
“And you should probably know that I have anxiety attacks from time to time when I feel overwhelmed or stressed. Anytime I feel like I’m not in control of my emotions, basically.”
I lift one shoulder in a small, helpless shrug.
He doesn’t interrupt. Doesn’t rush in with reassurance or platitudes.
Instead, he shifts just enough to hold me more securely.
“What can I do to help you when you’re struggling? Do you have any exercises that I should know so I can be there to support you?”
Who is this guy? I swear I hit the lottery with him.
“Well, I have different techniques that work—like thefive, four, three, two, onemethod—and I also use physical grounding when it gets really bad. They’re sensory exercises that are designed to bring back my focus and help me relax. And they really do work.”
Silas sits back in his chair, but holds on to my hand. “Brooke, I need you to be honest with me.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Has us getting married caused you to have any anxiety attacks? I don’t want to be the cause of any distress for you. It would kill me.” His eyes search mine, looking for the answer.
“I won’t lie to you.” I tip my head back. “The morning after, when I first woke up, I was a little disoriented, but then I started doing my exercises, and it calmed me down.” I look back at him. “But the minute you opened your eyes and looked at me, all the panic faded away. Well, almost all.” I smile. “Enough for me to have a conversation and get out of my head anyway.”
“What about the night I kissed you at the game?”
I snicker. “Funny you mention that because my therapist and I had a conversation about that in my session before winter break.”
“And what did you say?”
“The kiss wasn’t something I had planned or had any control over. And I probably would have had an attack, but because itwas you, I didn’t. She thinks the familiarity of our friendship at the time is the reason I didn’t have one.”
“Well, that makes me feel a little better. But I am sorry. If I had known, I would have controlled myself better.” He lifts my hand and kisses it.
“No, I actually think it helped prevent one. Because the attention on us in that moment was starting to overwhelm me, and the embarrassment of Eli’s actions were making it worse. So, I think you were my sensory object. You took the panic away by kissing me.” I lean forward and kiss him.
