When we get to the lobby, I don’t see my dad there, so I head up to our room.
While I wait, I take out my phone and start to search social media to see if any of our family drama made it online. I don’t want that to overshadow Beck’s success today. He’s worked so hard for this, and getting to the national championship would be amazing.
My dad finally comes into the room, looking exhausted. “You okay?”
I nod and give him a smile. “I am. How are you? Have you seen Beck?”
I’ve wired myself to be okay. For him. For Beck. Not cause problems, keep the house happy, peaceful. I stuff down my anxiety so my dad and brother won’t worry about me. They’ve had too many painful years, and they’ve only recently started to finally seem happy again.
Logically, I know I would never lose them, but there is a deep-rooted fear that I’m the reason why my mom drank and hurt us. I don’t think she really wanted to have another baby after Beck, to be honest.
“He’s going to talk to Charlie and then come up here when he’s done.”
“Do you know why he never told her about Mom? I know Tim and Carol have the whole story, and I assumed Casey and Charlie did too.”
“I’m not really sure. I have my guesses, but you know your brother is not the best at expressing his feelings. Time’s up though, and he’s going to have to tell her now. She needs to understand, as hard as it may be for him,” he says, walking toward me, holding his hand out to me.
I take his hand in mine and let him pull me in for a hug.
“You sure you’re okay? You can tell me anything—you know that, right?”
I squeeze him hard, then remove myself from his hold. “I promise. I can’t say it wasn’t a shock. I haven’t seen her since her parole hearing. But why didn’t you tell us she got out?”
He sighs. “Honestly, I didn’t want to upset either one of you, especially with everything going on with your brother, and she’s not supposed to be contacting you anyway. I never would have thought she would show up tonight.”
“Yeah, I mean, pretty ballsy on her part.” I’m trying to be conversational about it, but on the inside, my entire body feels like it’s on fire. And the tightness in my back is warning me that a panic attack could hit me soon if I don’t get myself under control.
“Brooke—”
Before my dad can finish, there’s a knock on the door. He walks over and looks in the peephole.
“It’s Beck,” he says as he opens the door.
Beck walks into the room, looking shattered. He runs his hand through his hair as he walks toward me. “You’re okay?”
“I am. Are you okay?” I reach for his hand.
He shakes his head. “I’m … fuck. I don’t know. Charlie is upset now … fuck.” He pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me. “Everything will be fine. We’ll go back to Oklahoma and forget this happened.”
Forget. That’s the family motto. Not forgive. Not heal.
We erase. We bury. We move on.
Or at least we pretend we do, even as the memories cling tight like they’ve always belonged.
I pull a deep breath in. “Right. Forget it happened.”
My dad walks over to us and wraps his arms around both of us. “I’m so sorry, kids. I really am just …”
He doesn’t finish, but Beck and I both know the guilt he carries with him for leaving us when we were little. He had no idea what was happening to us while he was gone.
There are questions I want to ask.What was she doing here?When was the last time you heard from her? How and when did she get out of prison?
But just like I always do, I keep my mouth shut and let all my emotions boil inside. It’s only a matter of time before I lose it. I just hope I can make it back home before it happens. I can’t let my dad and brother see me fall apart.
If I’m not careful, I may unravel, and who will be there to save me?
CHAPTER
