If onlyI’d worn a sweater instead, maybe he wouldn’t have noticed me.If onlyI hadn’t gone into the empty guest bedroom to use the bathroom, then maybe…
No, I couldn’t go down that path again. There was a reason I’d locked these thoughts away.
“Roman didn’t even fuck you!Whyare you making a big deal out of this? Why are you trying to ruin things for me?” A jarring snort came out of her perfectly lined mouth. “You’re unbelievable.”
Natalya stood up, leaving without a word. I quivered in the cold of the wind, shivering against the threat of my thoughts.
Chapter forty-three
Alisa
I went back to Dmitri's on autopilot, and even the warmth of his house did nothing to thaw me. Through the thick walls, I heard Dmitri walk through the front door. I was tempted to disentangle myself from the guest bed and let him destroy all the thoughts in my head.
But a rawness filled my chest, and I was terrified he’d be able to see everything. That he’d look at me with the same harsh eyes Natalya had and rip a piece out of me. I couldn’t handle it. Not when my own mind was ripping against me, echoing her words and slowly transforming them into something even more sinister.
What was the big deal? It’s not like he’d fucked me. I’d beenlucky.
But ifI wasso lucky, then why did I vomit until my body was entirely empty after Roman had left me in that room? Why did I claw at the places he’d touched me until I bled?
Why had I hated the sight of myself until I forced myself to forget? Hated that something in me had pushed him to ambushme in the room. That maybe some part of me deserved it for smiling at him earlier, or laughing at some stupid joke he’d said.
Maybe Natalya was right, and it wasn’t a big deal. But then why did my body sometimes freeze when a man clutched the back of my pants, and ripped them down?
Why did my body seem more and more untethered from my mind the longer I laid in bed and thought on that night?
Later that evening Dmitri knocked on my door, and I pretended to be asleep. When I saw him next, I wanted to be back to that positive mental place I’d been in before I met up with Natalya. When I’d been lying on the couch earlier secretly excited for him to come home, I’d felt something like happiness.
As my stomach twisted itself into more knots, more than anything I held onto the belief that I could feel that way again. I just needed to shut all these thoughts back into the crevices of my mind.
When I woke up from a fitful night of sleep the next day, I found the apartment empty. Could this be a silent invitation to leave?
My heart sunk at the idea. I opened my phone up to distract myself, and found a message about a new mission for Dmitri and I.
When it was time to leave for the assignment, I reluctantly disentangled myself from the calm warmth of his home and headed into the freezing city.
I shivered outside in the sequined dress. I’d called the seedy bar from our last mission, but someone else had ‘taken’ the jacket I’d left at coat check. And I couldn’t exactly steal Dmitri’s jacket again since I’d definitely get caught with us doing this mission together.
With a sigh, I debated going back to my apartment to change, but my heart rebelled against the idea.
The cold numbness that spread across my chest when I thought back to my lonely home was stronger than even the icy wind.
When I settled onto a stool at the bar, I steadied my mind for the mission. I took a deep breath and shoved that vulnerable part of me back into the depths of my mind. Straightening my posture, I readied myself for anything.
Roman tapped me on the shoulder.
Okay, maybe notanything.
Tension radiated through Roman’s bulky body as he stared down at me. I froze when he crowded into my space. Fear flooded my system as I noticed the angry snarl on his face.
“I had aninterestingconversation today,” Roman said. The way he pronounced the word told me I wouldn’t like whatever he was about to say.
I swallowed and tried to push words through the dryness of my throat. It was like squeezing a stone through a thin tube, but I finally managed.
“I’m busy,” I said.
Roman’s eyes narrowed. He placed his hand on the back of my stool. I flinched away, and the corners of his mouth curved into a cruel smile.
“You obviously weren’t too busy to spread rumors about me to your friends.” His voice was harsh, but the meaning behind it stabbed holes into my lungs.
