My brain jerked back to life the moment the physical connection ceased. All the previous tension that had been exorcised from my body returned with a vengeance.
A warning bell rang in my head as I watched her snuggle her head into the pillow. My stomach tensed as I realized I would destroy anyone who dared to disturb her blissful calm.
“Thank you,” she said. All of those walls from earlier had completely disintegrated from her expression. Her smile was earnest and unguarded.
I nodded back, unsure if I could trust anything that came out of my mouth.
Growing up, I’d known danger.
I’d first viewed it when my brother and I were children, and my mother had poisoned my brother for his perceived weakness. Danger became a constant as I grew up and risked my life destroying man after man for the Pakhan.
Eventually, Ibecamethat danger, and I made sure that nothing could touch me. But as Alisa nuzzled into the pillow, I knew a deep-seated fear for the first time in a long time.
So when her eyes landed on something behind my shoulder, and her entire body stiffened, in a way I welcomed it.
I turned my head to follow her gaze and furrowed my brows when all I saw were the clothes that I’d set out for her the night she’d passed out at my apartment.
Alisa placed her arm across her chest, shielding her bare breasts as if I hadn’t just seen them jiggle when I fucked her into orgasm.
“I-I should go,” she said, her voice taking on some of the bite from earlier.
I watched her hurriedly toss on her clothes, and debated grabbing her arm and dragging her back into bed.
I kept my hands to myself, because distance was what I wanted,right?
Then why did I want to tie her to my bed, and fuck her so many times that she couldn’t form a sentence, let alone leave my house?
I dug my nails into my palm and memorized the way her body moved. When our eyes locked, I clenched my jaw to stop any words from escaping. With one final glance backwards, Alisa hurried out of the room.
My brain reassured me this was a good thing. But deep down I knew that the day would come when I wouldn’t ever let her run again.
Chapter thirty-six
Alisa
“The Pakhan is almost here,” my father said.
I almost welcomed the way the words took me out of my memories. For the last week, I’d been replaying the flashbacks of Dmitri’s and I’s sexscapade.
Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t just the physical moments. I couldn’t stop remembering how completely safe and at ease I’d felt.
The complete opposite of the way I was feeling now. My father began pacing around the room, and out of habit, I held my breath, not wanting him to focus on me.
Despite what I’d felt in Dmitri’s arms, there was no such thing astruesafety. I’d discovered that when I was five and had accidentally bumped into my father’s liquor cabinet. He hadn’t just taken me over his lap, and belted me like so many parents in the Bratva.
No, he’d thrown me against a wall, and punched me until I was so bruised that I’d needed to take the week off from school.There was no such thing as safety, and if you started getting hopeful…
Well, that was a surefire way to get hurt.
“Alisa,” my father growled. Instinctively I shrunk into myself as if to make my body a smaller target. “Are you listening to me?”
“Yes, sir,” I said. My stomach rumbled, and I flinched at the noise.
“That stupid doctor,” my father muttered to himself.
That wasn’t what he’d said earlier today when he’d brought me to an appointment with Dr. Poison, and demanded he increase my dosages. My father was worried that I was losing my edge, and that I needed to pick up the slack.
The doctor had warned us that my body couldn’t handle much more. Predictably, my father had pressured him into doing exactly that. On the bright side, I thought it’d deter my father from taking his irritation out on me today. Wouldn’t want me throwing up on his suit.
