“Youhaveto wear those shoes to my party,” shesaid.
I tried to picture myself walking into Piper’s party. Sipping champagne worth thousands of dollars with people who never even considered money except as an abstract thought. God, I missed being like that.
An image of the past me surfaced. I was lying on the plush white rug in Piper’s living room while sipping acosmo. Piper was trying on different outfits, trying to decide which would give off the impression of: I’m available, but you’re going to have to work for it. While she tried on next season’s Versace resort collection, she was talking about who hadhooked up with who atTao last night.
The bitter aftertaste of chocolate crept back up my throat as I leaned into the memory.It was true I had never fully understood Piper’s mind space. Our worlds were just too different. Even though I was wearing the same style of clothing, and was mingling with the same people, in a way I’d never felt like I truly belonged. How could I when Piper didn’t even know Ronan’s name despite the fact that I’d spent basically every afternoon with him since I was eight? Her world felt so distant from mine, even before I’dgone broketryingto replicate her existence.
But despite that distance I’d always felt, I missed her. Truly missed her.
“Sure,” the words were out of my mouth before I could evenprocess what I wassaying.
“Perfect, my place on Friday. Come around 8,” she turned before continuing, “Oh my God, where is f-ing sales person? I swear it's really gonedownhillhere.”
I smiled. I missed that too, the way she could go immediately from exuberant to petulant. Piper sighed dramatically and waltzed back into her dressing room.
I stared into the mirror. In this dress, I looked like a girl who would go to one of Piper’s parties. Scratch that. I looked like I used to when I would go to Piper’s parties. Before the debt collectors. Before I’d left my father. Before… that. Maybe it wasn’t just Piper that I missed. I missed that old version of myself.
And that’s how I found myself at the cash registerbuying shoes I could barely walk in, let alone run in, and a dress that I’d probably be buried in.
The saleswomen had raised their eyebrows when they saw me moving towards the cash register. Probably thinking I was intent on robbing the place. But they hadn’t made any snide remarks when I handed over 2000 dollars.
Two grand that I had obtained through pick pocketing, and stealing. Not that they needed to know that. I waltzed back into the stifling heat withthe whiteshopping bag. The feeling of carrying that canvas bag was just as fantastic as I had remembered.
Chapter 5
My smile didn’t last long. Theshoppingbag had felt like a reprise from reality when I’d snagged anair-conditioned subway car on my trip backinto Brooklyn. In my mind, I’d tried to pretend I was still the type of girl who could drop a couple grand on an outfit I’d wear once, and then promptly forget about it.
When I hopped off the subway and stepped past apassed outman with a needle next to his wrist, my bag stopped feeling like a magical gift of temporary amnesia, and more like a reminder of how truly screwed I was.
The vision of me waltzing into Piper’s partywasreplaced with memories of the loan sharks kicking my ribs until they cracked.I stepped around a woman screaming at the cloudy sky.The exuberant energy I’d felt drained into nothing. I should be the one screaming at the sky.My life was probably more fucked up than hers was.
Instead of screaming at the darkening sky, I flopped onto a nearby bench. I slumped forward,ignoringthe metal bars digginginto my spine. Ijust gazed blankly at thewoman slowlypushinghergrocery cart through the park.She kept stopping every few minutes to keep yelling at an invisible figure in the air. I knew where she was coming from. But it wouldn’t be an invisible figure I’d be yelling at if it was me:it’d be my asshole of a dad.
I really should head towards my temporary home, ortryto figure out a plan to replace the money I’d spent. But I couldn’t find the energy to move.
“Why so sad?” That familiar low-pitched voice sent a jolt through my spine that left me sitting rim-rod straight.
My loan sharksettled in next to me on the bench and laughed. It was a low-pitched noise, andRaysniffed at an invisible substance at random intervals.Heleaned back on the bench and shifted his weight so he was partially facing me. I kept my expression neutral, but inside I was screaming at myself for spending that money on the outfit.
“So how are things going with our arrangement?” Ray asked, absently swiping at his red nostrils.
“Going,” was my neutral reply.
My reply was neutral, but my brain was anything but. How could I have been so stupid? I needed that two grand for this specific purpose, and of course I blew it on the first cute dress I saw. God, spending money I didn’t have is what had gotten me into this mess.You’d think I would have learned by now.
Two months ago, I’d stopped hanging out with Piper and began scraping together money. Andthe second I saw her again, I blew all the cash I had on me.
Ray glanced at the bag by my side, and I knew I needed to deal with this. I took an internal deep breath, while keeping my expression neutral on the outside. I could handle this; I always did.
“I hope so,” Ray started laughing again. This time, he patted me on the shoulder. I tried to resist the urge to flinch away, but failed. The cords on his neck tensed up.
“Don’t be like that. I’m trying to help you,”his voicewentfrom casual to angry in a flash.
I forced my lips into a toothy smile that included my eyes; that go-to smile I had always used to calm down dangerous people who were about to spiral. After a moment, the tension in his body faded, and he leaned back against the bench.
I cocked my head and forced my voice to sound saccharine. “Look, I completely get it.” I patted his hand before continuing, “I have some money. It’s just not with me right now. I know, you understand.”
Ray laughed again, but this time it came off a little too high pitched at points. His hand was in his pocket now; he was stroking something. With most people, I’d have been reaching for my gun. But with Ray, I knew I didn’t have to worry about him pulling out a knife. His weapon of choice was of the self-inflicted and ziplocked variety.
