“I know it’s scary,” Evan whispers. “But this is our job.”
I know he’s right. Deep down, I know Hale will be probably be okay. I know Noah is also going to be fine. I know this is their job and most definitely not even the worst emergency any of them have responded to in their careers.
But Evan is right about something else, too. It’s scary. I’m terrified.
So fucking terrified that I was about to witness Hale’s death. That Noah would most certainly be following suit. That Evan, who doesn’t gear up and run into the inferno, might find himself in danger if another explosion occurred.
I don’t want to lose any of them. I couldn’t bear it.
And what about the long-term effects of this career? Noah already seems like he’s developing asthma, and how many more beatings can Hale’s body take before he starts deteriorating? How many more tragedies can Evan witness, how many more injuries can he sew back up, before the weight of all that misfortune starts to drag him down?
They’re okay tonight, but how am I supposed to move on from this chapter of my life knowing that my heroes might not be okay another night down the road?
And, moreover, how am I supposed to not love them? How am I supposed to stop myself from caring about the Station 47’s captain, who leads with a cold firmness that disguises a gentle heart underneath? How am I supposed to ignore the affection I have for the golden boy who doesn’t even think twice aboutsacrificing himself for the greater good? And how am I supposed to let go of the way my heart calls out to the sweet, softspoken healer currently holding me together by sheer force of will alone?
I can’t live without any of them.
Unfortunately, now is really not the best time for me to be having that revelation.
“Lila, please,” Evan is murmuring, rubbing my back with brisk motions as if trying to warm me up. I am definitely shaking as if I’m freezing cold, though. “Can you breathe with me? Inhale when I inhale, okay? And then exhale nice and slow with me, alright?”
I try to follow his instructions, clinging to him with aching fingers, but I can’t manage it. My lungs won’t obey, and the smoke doesn’t help.
“Okay, come on,” he continues gently, guiding me closer to the edge of the park. “Let’s get you out of here. I don’t live far.”
“But—but, you—you—”
He understands my protest. “They don’t need me anymore. It’s under control. If anything, we’ve become a bit overstaffed in the last couple of minutes.”
So, I let him lead me away. We step around another police barrier, now on the opposite end of the scene from the media crowd. But I don’t bother looking back to see if Jake and Sam are still there, or if any of the melodrama I’ve caused has been caught on tape.
All I can do is hold on to Evan as he leads me down a relatively quiet side street and guides me toward his home. Little by little, the panic trickles away.
When three more blocks separate us from the scene, the shaking and hyperventilating subsides enough for me to choke out, “You live… on the… Upper West Side?”
“I do,” Evan answers, squeezing my shoulder.
“You’re rich?”
A soft chuckle. “Rent-controlled apartment. Inherited it from myabuelo.”
“Oh. Lucky.”
“I am lucky in a lot of things,” he muses, his voice taking on a thoughtful tone. “Lucky to have Leo. Lucky to work with brave people like Hale and Noah. Lucky to have met you.”
My vision keeps trying to tunnel, like the night is narrowing around us.
I think I’m lucky, too, I mean to say, but my head starts swimming and my body sways oddly even with his arm wrapped around my waist.
Evan breathes out a curse when I start going down, then sweeps me up into his arms. His weightless embrace is the last thing I’m aware of before everything goes black.
Chapter twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-One: Evan
“Iam the worst person ever,” she sighs as I guide her across the threshold of my apartment. I’d been prepared to carry her up all three flights of stairs, but her eyelids fluttered open as soon as we entered the building, and she insisted I set her down.
I flick on the lamp resting on the little table by the door. “What on earth makes you say that?”
