They nodded in unison.“Six o’clock.Good food, good friends.”
“You look.”Alice paused as she studied me.“A little stressed.Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, probably too quickly.
I didn’t even know how to explain how I was.Iwasfine, except now I’d spun myself into a mental tizzy about Jude.I’d felt so bold, pushing for more than a kiss.
In hindsight, a kiss, even two, even three, was a line that I could back away from.But now, Jude was the first man I’d had an orgasm with.Back to the letdown of kisses before Jude, no orgasms to be had.I took a quick breath.
“Okay, I’ll try to make it,” I said.
Alice and I had been in high school together.She’d been a few years ahead, my brother’s age, actually.As if she’d read my thoughts, she asked, “How’s Blake, by the way?”
“He’s good,” I said, a little too quickly.
Part of being the default parent figure in your entire family meant trying to pretend like everything was okay, because you didn’t want anybody to wonder too much if it wasn’t.
“You’re that one, aren’t you?”Alice said.
“What do you mean?”I hedged.
“From what I can tell, and I say this with kindness, because I like your brother, but he’s always funny and always the life of the party.Sometimes that’s not so great,” she said, her words careful.
Emotion rushed upward in my chest, and I wanted to cry.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Farrah said.She pulled me into a hug.“What are you worrying about?”She stepped back, giving me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulders.
I didn’t even know how to put words to it.I swiped at my tears with my fingertips and took a shaky breath.“I’m fine,” I insisted.“I really am.It’s just, well, Alice knows.I love my brother, but he’s an alcoholic, and I love my parents, but they don’t pay that much attention to anything.”I shrugged, twisting my lips to the side.“I’ve always been the one who took care of everything.One of those card nights I missed, I had to go help my brother.I just…” A sigh slipped out.“Anyway, so I guess I’ve kind of kept to myself.”
“Well, stop that,” Farrah said, stomping her foot with dramatic flair.“We all have messy lives.”
“All of us.”Alice nodded.“Maybe if you stop trying to pretend like everything’s fine, other people might pick up the slack.That takes a lot of work,” she pointed out gently.
It felt as if Alice had handed me a small present containing a kernel of information that I hadn’t considered, even though it appeared obvious just now.“Text me and I’ll be at the next one.”
“It’s tonight.Did you miss that detail?”Farrah’s tone was dry.
I bit my lip with my sheepish smile.“Okay, tonight.I’ll be there.”
“Pinky swear?”Farrah pressed.
We hooked our pinkies together, and I waved them off.It wasn’t that I avoided having friends.When you’re busy holding your family together, or at least that was how it felt, sometimes it was better to keep a little distance.
After they left, Tommy showed up for his afternoon chores.“I don’t know what I would do without you, Tommy,” I said, as he quickly and efficiently hustled through his work.
He was fawning over Dolly, his favorite goat.He straightened, grinning over at me.“I love this job.”
“It’s always here for you, but I’m sure you’re going to grow out of it someday,” I replied.
“I will not,” Tommy said stoutly.
“You never know.Once you start guiding trips with your family, you might have other priorities.”
Tommy paused, tipping his head to the side as he studied me.“I might do some of that, but what I really want is to be a full-time chef for the resort.We’re going to be so big, we’re going to need one.”
The hopefulness in his eyes tugged my lips into a smile.“Youarereally good at cooking.”
He beamed.“I’m working on it.”
