Finn
Jasmine skips ahead of me, kicking up dirt.Since my brothers and I have returned to Yosemite Ranch, we’ve each built a home to our own specs and in the process have created a MacLaine neighborhood.It’s a great place to raise a kid.Jasmine’s free to roam our “neighborhood” and run wild just like we used to.
Well, maybe notexactlylike we used to.
I’m grateful I can give that gift to Jasmine, especially since she’s had to grow up without a mother and siblings.The big family Amy and I wanted will never be.
And here it is—more guilt to gnaw at me.Guilt I can’t shake, refuse to shake.Why have I let it get this way?Why am I hanging on to all this guilt?
I wonder if it’s because guilt is the last thread tying me to Amy.If the guilt is gone, she’ll be gone, too.For good.
“You okay, son?”I turn to find Dad peering at me through squinted eyes.
“What?Sure.Absolutely.”I give him a quick hug and a few pats on the back.“Oh, and thanks for the worm invasion story.I’ll be calling you at two in the morning when she wakes up screaming about giant worms in the toilet.”
The sound of his laughter follows me down the lane as I run to catch up with Jasmine.
She beats me to the front door and throws it open.I pause at the threshold and pat my hair, since now that it’s longer than usual, it can get wild.
Hold up.
What am Idoing?Am I making myself pretty for Emma?Have I been spending too much time with Evander?What the hell’s wrong with me?
I’m here to apologize, not strut down the catwalk.That’s all this is.And maybe take Emma out for dinner and ice cream.But that’s definitely it.And that’s itwithmy daughter, so actually, there isn’t even athat’s itin this scenario.
Just a lot of carbs.
I sigh.I need to lift weights or break a horse or something.I worry my testosterone levels are dropping.
I shut my eyes tight and rub a hand over my face.Get it together, Finn.Don’t be such a pussy.Stop thinking and do something.
I step into the house.
Jasmine’s already upstairs making a racket as she runs from room to room.Her head pops over the upstairs railing.“I can’t find her.I don’t see her things!”Her eyes are big, and there’s a hint of panic in her voice.
“She’s probably cleaning something.”Fuck.“Maybe she’s attacking my office.”
Emma had avoided it this morning, but maybe she can’t resist my brand of chaos.If she touches my desk, though, I’ll blow another gasket for sure.I have a finely honed system for creation.If she tries to organize my piles of paper, I’ll be doomed.
I run to my office, and Jasmine is on my heels.
“Well, if she cleaned it before she left, she sure did a terrible job, Dad.”
Jasmine’s right.Every last one of my six computer monitors is covered in a thick film of dust.There isn’t a paper out of place becauseallthe papers are out of place.My open desk drawers are still open.And my overflowing circular file remains overflowing.
“Good woman,” I say to myself.“Maybe she’s outside.”
Jasmine doesn’t move.I turn to find her staring at me.“Her stuff’s gone, Dad.”
“What?”
“Her duffel bag and the clothes in her closet are all gone.”She gives me a withering look.It’s sadness tinged with a hint ofyou really screwed this up.
“She didn’t leave,” I say.“Watch.”I return to the living room and call for her.“Emma!”
The sound bounces off the high walls and comes back at me as I shout her name three, four, five times.But there’s no response.
“She ran away,” Jasmine says.
