Phyllis said Finn’s come to see me three times already.But I can’t talk to him.These past few hours have been nothing but one long sob for me.I feel like I’m dying without him.I don’t want him to see me broken.
Do I love him?Yes.I never had the courage to say it, and now I’m glad I didn’t.But that doesn’t change the fact that I opened myself to him, body and soul, and allowed myself to believe he could be mine.
I blossomed with Finn.I finally got the one thing I’ve always dreamed of, that a good man would show me what it meant to be a fully sexual being, safe and treasured.
He’ll never even know he gave me that gift.
Finn is a good man.I still believe that.But he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him.
I let my head fall to the pillow.Here come more tears.
I only hope I can stop crying in time to show up at that stupid volunteer meeting I promised Jasmine I’d attend.
I kick myself for that.
CHAPTER 69
Emma
I take a seat at the back of the classroom and try to make myself as small as possible.The only reason I’m here—the absoluteonlyreason—is that Jasmine is counting on me to be here.She asked me to be here, then confirmed I would come, and I promised I would.
So I’m here.
As long as I live, I won’t promise a child something and then not follow through.
But I’d rather be anywhere on earth than at this school volunteer planning meeting.We’re here to discuss the welcome-back event for the start of the new school year in August.I won’t be here in August.I’ll be long gone by then.
And as soon as this volunteer meeting is over and I’m back at Yosemite Ranch, I’ll continue doing what I should be doing right now—applying for jobs.Phyllis said she would be my reference if I was interested in finding a new position as a housekeeper and nanny.I’ve seen a few ads for work in Lake Tahoe, which would be a gorgeous place to live.I think I might like to continue this kind of work.
Just not working for Finn MacLaine.
I’m going to miss Jasmine something horrible, and I’m already grieving that loss.I’m going to miss Finn worse.But I refuse to let my mind go there.I have to keep focused on the next thing in front of me.And that is getting a new job.Finding a new place to live and getting on with my life.
From here on out, I will not be a dreamer.I will not live in a fantasy world.I will just put my head down and do what has to be done.
Tammy and Lana stand at the front of the classroom smiling down on all of us adults.I guess they have no choice, since the dozen or so parents here are seated in the low-to-the-ground elementary school chairs.
I feel lesser than, but that’s probably just me.I’m already going back to old habits, old mindsets.
Tammy and Lana start talking, but I don’t make eye contact with them.I don't want to open myself up for any more attacks.I’ve had enough.
I’m here to listen.To say that I put my butt in the chair as promised.And that's it.I'm not here to contribute.I’m not here to come up with ideas.I am just filling a chair.
Lana clears her throat.“So, you all may remember that at our welcome back to school celebration last year we set it up as a kind of festival, with a face painting booth, balloon animal station, and a taco bar.”
“That was so fun!”Tammy adds.
I hear a few faint murmurs of agreement from the crowd.
I recognize a few of the moms here and the one dad.It’s nice that there’s a father here, a reminder of how many wonderful dads are in the world.
But none as wonderful as Finn.
I’ve had some time to think about it, and I realize that his need to protect his child is at the center of his universe, the core of who he is.His role as a first-rate single dad is how he defines himself.And my observation threatened how he sees the world.
I didn’t mean to do that.
“So does anyone have any new ideas for next year?Anything that you think might be a new approach?”Tammy waits for someone to say something.
