As soon as those two lines appeared this morning, I called to see her before I went and scared everyone for no reason. Maybe that test was a false positive?
And…and if it isn’t…I need to know my options. I need to have them all. Not for the first time, I wish I’d have told Stella or Electra about this. I could use their support right about now as I’m about to lose it.
But I didn’t want to bother them for no reason. I hate asking for help when I know I can do it all myself. I hate being a burden. Always have.
“Hi,” I say with a strained smile.
“How are you doing?”
“Nervous.”
She smiles kindly at my short response. “Then I won’t beat around the bush. You are definitely pregnant.”
I blink.Pregnant…
The world-changing word falls so easily from her lips, as if all its weight is saved just for me.
All air gets trapped inside my lungs, the blood inside my veins freezes, and there are some black spots dancing around my vision.
Up to this point, I could tell myself it was all a joke. That it wasn’t true and the test lied. Or that maybe it was just a false positive. I could. But not anymore and now…now I don’t know what I should be telling myself.
“Are you okay, honey? Come on, lie down.” She helps me down to the cot and brings me water that does nothing to elevate the dryness in my throat.
“Um, can you tell me what are my options?”
“Options?”
“Like…for abortion?” I swallow hard, unable to meet her eyes because everything about it feels wrong, yet a possibility, right?
“Yes, that option is available, as is adoption after the baby is born, but before we go there, let’s take a look so we can determine how far along you are.”
“Okay.” I nod mindlessly, because every inch of my mouth feels like it was rubbed raw with sandpaper. She brings out the machine, squirting jelly on a wand looking thing right before it enters me.
I don’t notice the pinch of pain or discomfort Dr. Filipa warns me about. My eyes are fixed in the white ceiling above, all her words are swallowed up by the much louder mess inside my own head.
God, this wasn’t the plan.My life wasn’t supposed to go this way. I wasn’t supposed to step on the same beaten, broken path my parents walked when they were my age.
I never planned to carry on that family legacy. I want to build my own, with a bright future of a figure skater. I want to be someone in this life before I brought kids into it. I’ve worked tirelessly to be where I am today. To be the national champion,to have all those awards and medals hidden under a loose board in the floor under my bed.
I need to be able to not hide those things before I had kids.
And I was doing so well, building it brick by brick.
No, now was not the time for this. I had to turn to those other options. I had to—
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.The relentless speedy beat suddenly filled the exam room, each new thump slamming hard against the walls of my heart, breaking them. Splitting them and turning into a crumbled mess.
The force so strong, I’m unable to resist it. It’s pulling me, calling my name, pleading…my head turns, my eyes lock on the black and white screen in front of me.
Dr. Filipa is saying something, but once again I can’t hear her, but now it’s not because of the mess in my head.
It’s because all I see is the tiny bean curled inside me. Tiny and fragile, yet so strong. So…mine.
A shuddering breath fills my dry throat as a lone tear slides down my cheek.
“So, now that we know you’re thirteen weeks along, we can discuss all the options you have…”
Her words fade away.
