Time slowed down as my eyes landed on a chubby, brown-skinned doll baby standing there, holding a Bluey plushie. She was a toddler with silky, black hair that was in ponytails with barrettes and bobos. El had her dressed in a strawberry patch-like outfit, which was perfect for the season.
“You had a baby, El?” The food was forgotten as I melted to my knees when the baby turned to look at me with a face I knew very well. I saw it every day when I looked in the mirror. “El . . .” I whispered her name. When she didn’t answer, I turned to find her standing there like a statue. “Is she mine?” My throat was dry, but I managed to push my question out, even though I could see with my own two eyes who she got her DNA from.
El rushed over to pick her up and bounced her in her arms. “Just leave, Perfect. This has nothing to do with you.”
I looked up at her, still cemented in place. “Don’t play with me right now, El. This has everything to do with me.”
She shook her head with tears shining in her eyes. “No, you left us!”
My heartstrings tightened at the sound of the truth. “I didn’t know,” I whispered.
“Me either,” she replied before plopping down on the couch and bursting into tears.
I hopped to my feet and rushed over to her. I thought she was going to pull away, but she allowed me to pull her into my chest. They both seemed to calm down at the same time when I wrapped my arms around them. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” I kept repeating while rocking them in place.
I felt like shit knowing I’d left El to become a mother all on her own. This was so unexpected, but for me, it confirmed what I already knew. Rockel belonged in my life. I kissed the top of her head until she was able to give me her eyes.
I looked down at my daughter and couldn’t stop tears from sprouting in my tear ducts. I’d thought I was a father once before, but it was snatched away from me. Here I was with another opportunity, and I had no idea.
“You were never going to tell me?”
El stiffened beside me. “How was I supposed to? I had no idea where you went or had any way to reach out to you.”
“Fuck.” I cursed because she was right. This was all my fault. I looked down at my daughter, who was too busy playing with my chain to pay her mother or me any mind. “You’re right, and I’m not blaming you for anything. This is all on me . . . What’s her name?” I asked after looking down at the little lady I helped create.
“Precious,” she replied in a soft voice.
I smiled because, well, it was just like my name—perfect. “That, she is.” I pinched her little cheeks, and she looked up at me, knocking all the wind from my lungs. “Wow, this is what we created, El?”
I looked up, only to find her watching Precious and me interact with each other. She cleared her throat and nodded.“Yeah. She is all us.” She looked down and began playing with the tassels on the ends of the pillow beside her. “You really fucked me up when you left without a word, Perfect. I wasn’t sure what I should do, but the first time I held her in my arms, I knew everything would be alright. I didn’t have all the answers, but I did have love. It’s carried us through when I felt weak, like I wasn’t capable.”
I nodded, hearing everything she said. I never wanted El to think she couldn’t express her true feelings with me. I had done that to her. I had left her to figure it all out on her own. I would have to live with that regret. “No apologies can make up for the choice I made, but you have to believe that I felt it was the right one in the moment. I couldn’t take care of you the way I wanted to. I needed to get on my feet.”
She sighed. “Well, did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Get on your feet?”
I smiled. “I’m here, ain’t I?” For some reason, the aroma of the food wafted over to me, and I remembered the spread I had brought with me. “You want to eat that food before it gets cold? We don’t have to talk right now, but let’s at least break bread together.”
She nibbled on her bottom lip, debating on what she should do. “Fine,” she finally replied, and I did a little dance in my mind. When she stood up, Precious climbed off my lap to follow behind her. It was the cutest little thing.
I helped El set up all the food on the table, then she got Precious in her highchair. We held hands for grace, and then we started to pile our plates with food. We didn’t talk much, but I thought it was because we knew there was so much to say. That was the last thing I expected to find out when I came back for El, but I wasn’t running away from my responsibility. In some way, it made me feel even better about my choice. My daughterwouldn’t want for a thing, and neither would her mother. I would work every hour of every day to ensure it.
After we finished eating, I didn’t really want to leave, but El was ready to put Precious down for bed, and I needed a moment to get my thoughts in order. She walked me to the door with Precious on her hip. The last thing I wanted to do was leave them, but space felt like the right answer.
I turned to them on the porch and sighed. “I will be back, El. I know this is a lot, but I’m letting it be known that I want to be in my daughter’s life, and I want you.”
I didn’t give her a chance to reply as I kissed them both softly on the cheek and then headed for my matte-black Trackhawk. I slammed the door and sat there, staring at El’s bright-red door. My whole world was on the other side of those walls, and I didn’t even know it.
El didn’t realize what she’d given me. After what happened with Star, I had no clue what was next. She offered me kindness, empathy, love, and support when I needed it most. I was going to spend the rest of my life making sure I provided her with the same.
Sittingin the middle of the floor, I held up a flashcard for Precious. “What’s this color, baby?” I asked her.
She was in front of me, playing with some of her building blocks. “Arange!” she replied excitedly.
I couldn’t help but smile because she was so smart already. From the many books I consumed while pregnant, I knew it was important to start teaching her as soon as possible. So far, it was paying off because my girl was rattling off her colors without any mistakes these days.
