My love life was a part of me that was still tender. I loved love, especially black love. However, it wasn’t in reach. My time with men had more lows than highs and I’d produced more tears than smiles. This was the first time in seven years I had general conversation with one. Men used to scare me. Hell, they still did… except him. He was that one exception.
“Which one would you like me to answer first?” I was hoping for the latter.
“Tell me ‘bout his Pops. The answer I’m looking for to the first might be in there,” he replied.
I couldn’t lie. I liked the way he held conversation. It wasn’t forced and when he spoke, it was always with calmness. I hadn’t received this kind of vibe from a man in a long time. In all honesty, I was torn on what to do. On one hand, he was making this dating thing seem okay again. On the other, I was terrified that maybe I was content as I was because I knew I owed no one anything. Also, because I didn’t really have to be physical with Bentley. The virtual bonding was good enough for me. He was spoon feeding me and didn’t even know it.
“I had a one night stand, so I don’t know who his father is,” I jested.
Heavily sighing, he said, “Damn. I guess shit happens.”
“Boy, I was joking. That ain’t me, not even a little bit. Lincoln is adopted so his father… I don’t have a clue as to who that man is. Do you have kids?” I figured I could get that out of him since we were on the subject.
“Nah, I’m coming with no attachments. You good to love a nigga however you see fit beautiful.”
Love. Was that possible for me?
“Tuh. That’s a foreign language and probably would never happen.”
I was lowkey embarrassed that I had to admit that. Was I a virgin? No, but I might as well had been. My celibacy was seven years strong, and I intended on it going longer. Eventually, that man God has for me would find me.
“Why is that? You scared of me or niggas in general?” One thing I noticed once the conversations moved from the app to a regular phone call was this man asked the right questions and touched on things unapologetically.
“That would be men in general. Inmates being at the top of the list. I’ve had a bad experience and honestly, if it wasn’t you, this wouldn’t be happening.”
“You want to talk about it?”
No, but I might as well let you in.The Atkins were my family. I had no one else outside of them besides Niyani. I witnessed them men kill for me, I could only assume he’d do the same. Genesis had just come into my life and was already willing to catch a body. They were good men; I had no doubt that he would be as well.
“Uhh, yeah. We can.”
“If it’s an uncomfortable or traumatic topic, don’t. I ain’t trying to have that on you again. So, what’s up with Sage Springs? You like it there.”
I couldn’t explain the feeling but him wanting to back away from it to protect me made me feel some kind of way. It made me feel like he cared about my mental health as if he was the one that destroyed it. I liked that, I couldn’t even hold you.
“Chats with Angels hasn’t always been good to me. About seven and a half years back, I joined the program. It was different then. This app wasn’t in play, we were communicating via letters. He gets out, shows up at my place unannounced, and…”
“I’m good Mama. You ain’t even got to touch that. Tell me something. He dealt with?”
God, if this man is for me, give me a sign!
He was showing signs of him caring and I didn’t know how to feel. Men didn’t just protect women, especially black women. Men also never worried about anyone that wasn’t beneficial to them. He wanted me on the phone with him every day, every evening, and every night. He was feeling me, that was obvious.
“He’s dealt with love.”
“Royce?” he asked hitting the nail on the head.
“You know it.”
“Yeah, remind me to thank him when I touch down. You being touched whether it’s the past or not, ain’t gon’ ever fly with me. Hurting you, is hurting me. Imagine what comes after that.” His voice had always been nice to hear but pairing it with those specific words…
“That’s not necessary Bentley. I’m learning to protect and take care of myself. Thank you though.” Whatever was forming between us felt good, but I also knew it was too fast paced, and I was possibly just vulnerable.
Suddenly, the call went from a regular call to Facetime. I panicked immediately. Even though I was fully clothed and presentable, I was still nervous as fuck. Sitting up, I brushed my hair down with my hands and snatched up my glass of wine. I didn’t know why I was so jittery, but I was.
“Answer that, Mama,” he demanded.
I yelled silently followed by a deep breath. Pressing the green button, I connected the Facetime call. He was still as fine as the day I first met him. His line was fresh letting me know he got a haircut recently and his cornrows were tight and neat as well. He smiled once we locked eyes causing me to blush. Those pearly whites were perfectly placed, and you couldn’t tell me otherwise.
