“Lincoln is the absolute sweetest. I think every time I hear him call me mama, another piece of me is glued together. He loves my family, and they adore him. Seeing him happy makes me happy. That’s a genuine feeling. Mentally, I’m taking it a day at a time. Each day seems to be better than the one before. Emotionally, some days I’m content, others I’m anxious or nervous about caring for him correctly. I was told that’s normal motherly behavior, so I’m trying to just keep a routine. I actually wanted to speak with you about something else,” I said finally inserting my reason for the session.
“I figured. Lay it on me,” she said relaxing her gaze.
“Chat with Angels caused a lot of traumatic memories in my life. I’ve had two members of the church ask me back into the program. One is my First Lady, the second is a regular member. Both have given me detailed changes with the program in theirplea. Now I’m at a fork because this is a way to get over my fear of conversing with a man again. Apparently, the program has been altered to where everything is anonymous. At first, it was a hard no. However, I’ve been on the fence with it as of late. I want that love I see the women in my life receive. I want that two-parent family for Lincoln. This is a step into facing that fear so I could eventually get comfortable enough to withstand being involved with a guy. What do you think I should do?”
I unloaded a chest of concern, but I kept it truthful as I could. I wanted what I wanted for my son. Hell, for myself and I was determined to get it. He wasn’t asking about having a father but anyone with sense knew he needed one.
“It’s not about what I think Heidi. This is your life and ultimately your decision. We face the aftermath of those choices and strive to make even better ones. You have to ask yourself if you’re ready to open that same box you just crawled out of. There’s nothing wrong with conversation. Where thing go left is not setting up boundaries for yourself to protect yourself and others around you. You have a child now. Think about that and what kind of protection you want for him. Chat with Angels is a lot to deal with. Do you want that apart of your healing process?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied.
“I can’t decide for you Heidi. Take some time to really think and pray on it. Whatever happens from there on is on you. Don’t enter that web if you’re afraid of the spider that spun it,” she advised. The sound of her time went off letting us both know that time was up. She closed her notebook and said, “I’m sorry but that’s it for today. If you need this again, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll always be here.”
“Thank you, Dr. Wright. I’ll talk to you later.”
Ending the call, I took a minute to let the conversation register. She had a way of letting me vent about my dilemmas but also come to conclusions about them on my own. Niggasweren’t on my bingo list, but neither was a six-year-old. The angels weren’t the issue it was the inmates. However, the program was now tailored for women and victims like me. I was more than appreciative of that.
Picking up my phone, I texted Velvet asking for the link to Chat with Angels. She responded before I could set the phone down.
Motormouth: Thank you so much for doing this. Once an angel always an angel. Here’s the link www.chatmate.org
Rolling my eyes, I pressed the link and was directed to the app. I went through the necessary steps on signing up and entered the program as Angel Patience. It was going to take a lot of it. I’d spoken to everyone I cared for about it and all, except Royce left the decision in my hands.
Anxious wasn’t the word for how I felt, but I wasn’t backing out, not just yet. Immediately, there were three chats available. My nerves bounced from wall to wall as my palms became sweaty. My heart felt heavy as it sank into my stomach. I could feel myself slipping into a panic attack.
“Mama Heidi.”
Lincoln’s small voice caught me just in time. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and centered myself. I was in the comforts of my home with my biggest shield of armor less than a hundred feet away. No one could touch me with the way security strolled the premises. I was okay and prayed up. I knew God wasn’t cruel enough to take me through the same situation twice.
Putting a smile on, I looked at my son, and said, “I’m starting right now baby. Would you like some fruit until I’m done?” He nodded and I handed him a banana. “Watch one more episode and I’ll be done,” I assured him.
“Okay Mama.” He ran away temporarily satisfied with my reply.
Without giving it so much as a second thought, I tapped the middle chat. I was hit with a message that caused my lip to raise and brows to dip.
You are now connected withBentendo94’. A conversation worth having!
“Oh please,” I voiced aloud. This time around, I was giving Heidi. Filtering my words were no longer an option. It was what it was. At least I knew I was being true to myself.
11
BENTLEY
Atap on the steel door followed by locks clicking brought on an unwanted annoyance. It was one of those days where I didn’t want to be bothered. I was missing my fuckin’ aunt like crazy and my goddamn bed. I didn’t understand the stupid muthafuckas that kept coming back to this bitch. My feet touched the floor no matter what direction I turned. This shit was annoying.
The door finally opened and in walked my favorite guard. She had cuffs in tow as if I knew what was happening. Shit, if she was getting me the hell up out of here, she ain’t have to say a bitch ass thing.
“Where I’m going Riya?” I asked before standing to my feet.
“Warden Montel needs you in her office. Let’s go,” she motioned.
It was Tuesday so I knew exactly why she requested my presence. Kong was gon’ come through every single time. If my hunch was right, Enzo had a bounty on his head he couldn’t escape. One too many things went wrong because of him and if I was being frank, that was a hunnid percent my fault. I gave the nigga an inch to make moves, and that bitch took a mile.
Stepping up, I offered my wrists, and she wrapped the metal around them. I was escorted out my cell, down several stairwells and hallways, until I was standing in front of Sierra’s door. Her squeaky voice could be heard every time you approached it. The only time she seemed to be quiet was when a nigga was laying pipe.
Riya tapped on the door and once again, Sierra swung it open with attitude. She looked back and forth between me and Riya and grabbed me by the collar of my jumpsuit pulling me inside. “You can go Combs.”
“Yes ma’am.” Riya couldn’t even step away good before the door was being slammed in her face and locked.
