“Of course. Uhm, I can be there within the next hour. Is that alright?” I inquired.
“Sure thing. See you shortly.” With that, she disconnected the call.
Looking over at Cedees, I noticed she’d already stepped out of the ring and untapped her hands. The Atkins were attentive as fuck and read body language like a scholar would a book.They were also nosy, so I had no doubt in my mind she’d eavesdropped on my conversation.
“I have to go Cedees. That was the adoption agency withgood news.”
Walking over to where I was standing, she copped a squat on the side of the ring. She was also tall like everyone else in her family. She came in at five feet eleven inches intimidating the many men she encountered.
With a towel draped over her shoulders, she asked, “Adoption agency? You’re looking to adopt? Why didn’t I know that cousin?”
“It’s something I’ve been keeping on the low. I didn’t want to jinx myself or get my hopes up to high then fail at this as well.”
“Adopting a child is huge bitch. Hell, being a mother period is big within itself. So, what are you looking for? Newborns, toddlers, early childhood, teenagers… what?”
Before answering, I hopped up on the side of the ring and took a seat beside her. Cedees was family so telling her didn’t trigger me. She was very familiar with the things I’d been through.
“Honestly, after that whole situation, being alive was the biggest challenge for me. Being a wife let alone a mom was out the picture. Then one day Klarity comes into the picture and my views shift. Cheyonne following up caused an even greater one. I want to be loved and appreciated the way they are, as well as give a child the love they deserve. However, procreating is out the fuckin’ window. No man will ever in his life feel the inside of me again. It’s confusing to many, but it’s what I want,” I vented. She got the real and a lot of it was things I hadn’t yet revealed to Royce.
“All I want you to know is that you’re still a prize worth having cousin. Whether that love comes from a child or a man, that life you desire will find you. I’m proud of you for not lettingthatstop you from being able to want things. I’ve witnessed you go to some dark places, and honestly… I’d dig that pussy nigga up and empty clip after clip in him if I knew where Royce put him.” She choked up on her last comment. Her glossy eyes held nothing but sorrow as she stared into space.
Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I squeezed lightly. Cedees was my biggest supporter outside of Royce. I expected nothing less than raw emotion and conversation.
“I’m good boo. It took me a long ass time to get here but with y’all help, I’m making it. Hopefully, this little baby can help me restore what that nigga stole. A little confidence and unconditional love is all I need. Thank you for sparring with me Cedees. I have to go, but I’ll be back on the compound for dinner. I love you, baby boo.”
We engaged in a sisterly hug before she uttered, “I love you cousin. Watch yourself, aight?”
Nodding, I snatched up my gym bag and headed out the door. Glancing at the time on my cell, I saw that it was a little after three in the afternoon. The adoption agency was across town, but the time never really mattered in Sage Springs when it came to traffic. Some days it was packed out bumper to bumper while others were mellow from sunup to sundown. Nothing was of consistency in this city.
Approaching my car, I hit the key fob to unlock the doors. I also didn’t miss the opportunity to give the parking lot a quick scan before hopping inside my whip and locking them immediately after. Paranoia was introduced years ago and never left. He really did a number on me.
Once I was safe and secured, I pulled out hitting the main road. Moments later, I was on the highway cruising with the tunes of Roux seeping through the speakers. Her soulful voice often expressed depression. I guess that was why I loved her so much. Even the fame couldn’t bring her joy.
It took me all of thirty-two minutes to get to the agency. When I pulled into their parking lot, my heart instantly dropped. Ms. Squinks said it was good news, so I was trying to keep that in mind. My nerves were tearing me up though. I didn’t know if I housed the right tools to love someone else at the moment. I was still working on myself.
Parking, I shut off the car and took a minute to gather my thoughts. Being a mom was a step I was so indecisive about. I didn’t have my own parents but somehow, I felt the need to be one to someone else. A darn stranger at that.
As I gripped the steering wheel, I leaned forward letting my head rest on my hands. With my eyes closed, I said a quick prayer.
“God, I humbly ask you to continue to guide my steps. This isn’t an easy task, and I’m working hard on becoming one of your strongest soldiers. Patience, strength, and love is what this child needs. Clear my heart, mind, and soul to be able to deliver that to them. In your heavenly name I pray, amen.”
Releasing a deep sigh, I opened my car door, snatched up my purse, and exited the vehicle. Heading inside, each step I took made this adoption thing more real. Seeing the many parents fill the lobby, I could only help but wonder if they were a candidate for my child as well.
“Hi, how can I help you today?” the receptionist asked.
“Hi, I’m here for Erin Squinks. She called about an hour ago and asked me to come in,” I replied.
“Are you… Heidi Mitchell?” she questioned looking at a sticky note.
“I am.”
“She’s expecting you. Would you follow me please? I’ll take you to her.” Standing from her chair, she rounded her desk and nodded for me to follow behind.
She led the way, and my nerves bounced on every wall we passed. I felt like my heart was beating a mile a minute, and my breathing was unstable. The voices of small children laughing seemed to be the loudest thing around me. I was great with kids. All of Royce’s children adored me and Maaz fell in line as well. I didn’t understand what had me so shook up.
“Here we are.” She gave the door a light tap and Ms. Squinks voice came through loud and clear.
“Come in,” she sang.
