Ithrow up in my private bathroom the second I arrive back home, and try to ignore the rush of shame that follows. Try and fail. Splashing water on my face, I rub harshly at the skin as if I can simply wash the emotion away. But I know much better than that. Shame follows me around, haunting me like a ghost since my father’s and his best friend's deaths. I thought nothing would compare to the guilt of being unable to save the two most important men in my life, but I was wrong. I had nearly lost Zahra as well. And though we are currently nothing more than allies on paper, and strangers in each other’s lives…I couldn’t stop hearing her father’s voice in my head on the drive back home from the restaurant.
All the stories he had told me over the years of how proud he was of his child. Though he never revealed Zahra’s name, Naser’s love for her was evident in the sheer joy that would overcome him whenever he discussed the latest spyware she had developed, or how well she was doing in school. It was clear that Zahra was Naser’s whole world, and I have nodoubts she felt the same. And not only had I failed to save Naser, but I had also nearly lost Zahra as well. I need a drink.
Not even bothering to check which bottle of whiskey I have, I throw my desk drawer open and take a long drink. My throat feels like it's on fire and my empty stomach protests at the sensation of the liquor flooding in, but I continue. Right now, I need to quiet my mind, and whiskey always does the trick. The bottle gets ripped from my hands before I can pour more into my mouth, and I glare at my younger brother standing in front of me, looking unimpressed. Great. Another person I’ve managed to disappoint today. I scowl, both at myself and at Aidan.
“I was drinking that.”
“Well aware. Though I don’t think alcohol is the cure for an upset stomach.” He shrugs, taking a seat on top of my desk, next to me.
“It’s not. But it can help an upset mind.” I reach over to take the bottle from him like a toddler. He refuses to give in, placing the bottle to his side and out of my reach.
“Maybe at the moment it feels like it's helping, but really it’s just drowning out whatever feelings you’re trying to avoid. Again, not a solution to the problem,” Aidan presses.
“Since when did you become so profound?” I roll my eyes.
“You know since when.” He looks down at his shoes, toying with the hem of his coat. He didn’t need to say it. I’m not the only person who’s changed since my father died. At least my final moments spent with my dad weren’t at the opposite end of a vitriolic tirade in which I was essentially called the family fuck up. I have no doubt Aidan’s been replaying the harsh words our father threw at him over and over in his head since. The same way I keep replaying my failures in my own.
“He didn’t mean it, Aidan.” I’ve lost track of the number oftimes I’ve repeated this phrase to my brother the past few weeks.
Aidan’s jaw ticks. “He did. Father got angry and would spew bullshit at times. But this wasn’t one of them. This was his wake-up call for me.”
“He would have never torn into you like he had if he knew that would be the last time you two spoke?—”
“Save it, Dec. I didn’t come here to mope about my own issues. I came here to check on you.”
My back stiffens. “There’s nothing to check in about.”
“Really? So that wasn’t you bent over a toilet a few minutes ago? Puking your guts out like you just came back from bar hopping?”
“Food poisoning.”
“From the restaurant in which you didn’t even get a chance to order food?” he presses.
“If that’s what I say it is, that’s what it is.” I cross my arms, not wanting to get into it.
“Wow. You really are just like him, huh?”
“Not nearly as much as I need to be,” I admit. It was the truth. My father would have never gotten sick over the fact that one of his closest allies was nearly killed in front of him. He would have never let his emotions keep him from thinking rationally.I should have kept the waiter for questioning instead of killing him then and there.
Azula, Zahra’s second, had called me earlier to inform me that they were unable to track down the poison and tie it to one of our rivals. The same went for the vulture tattoo. Two dead ends that could have led us somewhere if I had just managed to keep my head on my shoulders for a few minutes. But I couldn’t. Not when that man had attempted to come for me. Attempted to come for Zahra. And used my own damn whiskey to do it. The bastard deserved to die.
“Father would’ve kept his composure. At least long enough to get a real answer out of the man who tried to kill us.” I sigh.
“We gave the waiter a chance to divulge, and he didn’t,” Aidan attempts to comfort me.
“I barely pushed him. I should have brought him back here. Tied him up in our chambers…” I trail off, not needing to explain what I was implying. Staying quiet when you’ve barely been touched is easy, but over the years, I’ve found even the strongest man will start squealing when faced with isolation and torture. “That’s what father would have done.”
Aidan gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Father was rarely able to keep collected when one of us was threatened. Or are you forgetting the fact that he literally strangled a man in broad daylight for bumping into Mom when she was pregnant with me?”
“How could I forget? It was the first time I saw him be violent in front of me.” It had been the first and one of the few times I had ever been scared of him as a child. Something I knew he sensed, because later that day he sat me down and gave me a piece of advice that has stuck with me forever.The world is cruel, Declan, and harsh. But it is also beautiful. And the things we find beautiful in this world, the things we love, we must protect at all costs. No matter the cost. Because if we don’t, we’ll lose the very thing we cherish the most.
My father was right. The world is cruel. And instead of protecting him from being murdered, I had failed him. I had failed to protect what was good in this world. And I would never make that mistake again.
“I need to speak with Zahra again. Finish our meeting, and discuss how we should proceed following this incident.”
The fact that in a span of weeks, not only were both of our fathers killed, but now we were also being targeted made onething clear. Someone was waging a war against our two families. And if we didn’t determine who, it would cost us everything.
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