His jaw ticks in irritation. “What do you mean pay me back? I did this so you wouldn’t have to worry about working extra to support your family, not so you’d be indebted to me.”
“Jake, I’m not just going to let my mom take money from your family.”
“I promise they won’t care. They know how privileged they are not to have to worry about money. They donate to families in need all the ti—”, he stops himself, likely noticing the blind rage in my eyes.
“So we’re just another charity case to you!”
“I acknowledge how bad that came out. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Well you wouldn’t be the first person to think that. Between the Bolton player, and my mom when she first met you, I’m sure everyone on this side of the Charles river thinks I’m only with you because of your money.”
“Who cares what people think? I did this because I love you. And when I love someone, I also love all the people that are important to them and will do whatever I can to help.”
His words soften some of the tension that’s built up in my body, but the rage boiling in my stomach is mixing with my insecurities. Together they’re a deadly combination. “I just don’t get why you didn’t talk to me first. I had the situation under control, and I hate that your solution is to just throw money at the problem..”
I regret the words immediately, especially the way they make him flinch. “That’s unfair and you know it.” He looks at me, eyes practically begging me to take it back. The silence consuming the room is suffocating. Jake takes a deep breath, eyes shut, until his phone goes off again. “Shit. I need to leave now, or I’m going to be late.”
Jake throws his closet door open, slings his gym bag over his shoulder, and walks over to me. “I love you. This isn’t over. And we’ll talk more after the game.”
He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head and my heart tugs at the disappointment on his face that I don’t lean into his embrace like I normally would. I know my reaction caught him off guard, but after spending a majority of my life fending for myself and doing whatever I could to keep my family afloat, the last thing I wanted was for someone to view me as incapable of taking care of myself and my family.
Jake never said those exact words, and as I slowly calmed myself down, I knew he would never think that of me. But in the moment that’s exactly what I had felt. My relationship with my mom was beyond complicated. And while I constantly wished that I could just have a typical parent-child relationship with her, that wasn’t what I knew. Wasn’t my normal. Over the years, supporting my family became more than just an obligation, it became a part of my identity. I was dependable and reliable, and you never had to question whether or not I would make sacrifices for my family. But if my family didn’t need me anymore, what would I do? Who was I if not a provider? Thequestion was swirling around my head the entire time I was fighting with Jake. And instead of being able to appreciate what he had done for my family, what he had done forme, all I could think about was,who is Eliana Jasper if not the girl who puts everyone else’s needs above her own?I had no idea how to answer that question. And that’s what scared me the most.
Chapter 47
Jake
There’s nothing I hated more than leaving shit unresolved. Did I have a hunch that Eliana would be annoyed with me once she found out I had given money to her mom? Yes. She always had difficulty asking for help, and would rather run herself into the ground than admit she couldn’t handle something on her own. But I never expected my helping her family to turn into this massive thing. While money can be a sensitive topic for most people, evidently for Eliana the issue was nuclear.
Eliana’s hurt expression kept replaying in my head, and I know I would never forget it. Never forget thatIwas the one who had caused it. Fuck this sucked. I’m on edge not only from the fight with Eliana but also because I was about to enter one of the biggest games of my career, potentially my last game as a Westchester Wolf.You’re okay, Jake. Hockey is the one place you’re in control. You got this.
“You alright man? You look like you’re about to be sick.” Ollie leans over and taps me on the knee. We’re back inside thelocker room after our morning skate, where I missed a lot more shots and opportunities than I ever had.
Hopefully this wasn’t foreshadowing for the night because I couldn’t live with myself if I let my team down. “Ellie and I had a big fight. We weren’t able to figure it out before I had to leave to come here.”
“Shit man. I’m sorry to hear it. I know you’re going through it, but we need you to have it together tonight.”
“I know. I know. I’ll be fine once the game starts.”
Ollie shoots me a smile, my verbal reassurance being all he needs to restore his faith in me. My coach, however doesn’t seem as easily convinced.
“Keeley, let me talk to you for a second.” Mason nods his head to the secluded hallway entrance of the locker room. I fidget with my fingers, waiting for him to rail me for my piss-poor performance. He purses his lips. “You okay Jake?”
“Fine, fine.”
Mason crosses his arms over his chest, unconvinced. “You weren’t playing like yourself earlier.”
“I just had a rough morning. Once the game starts, I’ll be fine. I promise. The game always helps clear my head.”
“What happened this morning?” He probes.
The last thing I wanted was to talk about my relationship problems with my coach. Sure he was only a few years older than me, but he was also someone I used to idolize. And hockey players weren’t exactly known for talking about their feelings with each other.
I stand there. Silent.
“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s up Keeley. I’m your coach, so I have to make sure you’re okay, both physically and mentally, before you step out on the ice.”
“Eliana and I had a big fight. I fucked up. I just wanted to helpher because I love her, and I thought that’s what I was doing, but I think she took it as some kinda dig at her. Now all I can think about is how I managed to break things even when all I wanted to do was fix them.” I wince at the word vomit and look down at my skates.
