“It’s fine.” My tone doesn’t quite meet my attempt at trying to lighten the mood. While being an academic often means experiencing rejection, everyone knew the main way to success in our field was to get funding. It was more than just receiving money. Getting a fellowship was an indication that your research ideas were innovative enough to warrant support. As a grad student it meant that you were on the path of success to being a professor one day. Which is why this felt bigger than one rejection. It felt like an indication that I wasn’t good enough. That I would never make it in this field.
She gives me a sympathetic look. “Having thick skin is good, but it’s okay to be upset about this.”
“Trust me I am. I usually don’t get my hopes up about these things, but this one felt different…”
“Your research proposal was exactly what they were looking for. I wonder what their concerns were. Have you had time to look at your reviewer comments?”
“Not yet. Once I saw I was rejected, I didn’t read the rest.”
“Should we go over it together? Or do you need some extra time to process?”
“Let’s just do it now. Rip the band-aid off.”
Bethany pulls up the email and angles her monitor so we canboth see the screen. Most of the email was the typical fluff. ”We had several exceptional applications this year…”, ”Unfortunately we can’t offer you funding…”, “Find your reviews below from Drs. Howard, Kross, and Atkins.” Atkins. As in Dr. Darlene Atkins. The woman who had torn me apart every day my first year. The woman who made me doubt everything I did. I had hoped I could finally move on from my past, but it had come back to haunt me. “Well, I guess that explains why I was rejected.”
Bethany’s face is tense. “I don’t know what the fellowship committee was thinking. She should have never been allowed to review your application. She must not have disclosed her conflict of interest.”
“I guess it was something they never considered.”Or maybe they did.Maybe they were just too scared to stop her. It wouldn’t have been the first time that other faculty members chose to ignore Dr. Atkin’s abuse of power out of fear. She was practically untouchable at this stage of her career. Pissing off a world-renowned researcher who brought in millions of dollars for the school was a risky move. One that I had chosen to take a few years ago, and was still paying for today.
“Maybe I can reach out to the department chairs and ask them to review your application again?” Bethany offers.
“No. It’s fine. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“I’m your mentor Violet. It’s my responsibility to ensure you’re supported and treated fairly.”
“I really appreciate you wanting to stand up for me. Trust me I do. I just don’t have it in me to go up against Dr. Atkins again. I’m still trying to move on from what happened years ago…” My eyes start to sting, and I know I’m dangerously close to crying. Wouldn’t be the first time Bethany saw me cry, but I know if the water works start now, they won’t stop, and I still had two discussion sections to lead after this. “I don’t want to fight this.”I don’t know if I have another fight left in me.
“It’s your decision, Violet. But if you change your mind, I’ll support you.”
I give her a tight smile that she returns, along with a firm hug and words of affirmation that everything will be okay. I want nothing more than to believe her but the only thing I can think is how every time I get close to moving forward, I find myself drowning in the past.
forty-three
. . .
Mason
I forgothow fast my old agent worked. One second, I was on the phone with Marty asking if the offer to play in the European pro league was still on the table, and now I’m looking at a round-trip ticket to the Czech Republic in my inbox. In a couple of weeks, I’d go through their training camp, meet with their coaches, and hopefully sign a three-year contract. Marty mentioned their doctors would take a look at me, but he didn’t seem worried about me gaining medical clearance. I was going to be a professional hockey player again. Words I never thought I’d be able to say when I took that hit so many years ago.
Hopeful feelings aside, I’m dreading breaking the news to Violet. Long distance would suck, but I know we’ll pull through. I devised a plan for managing the six-hour time difference as Imade dinner. By the time I was done cooking, I was feeling excited about this next phase in my life, and I was thinking Violet might be excited too. I hear the door open, and I step out of the kitchen to greet her.
“Hey Vi, how was your—” She looks defeated. “Angel what’s wrong?” I remove her backpack and coat, opening my arms to her for a hug and placing a soft kiss on her forehead as she melts into me.
“Just a really shitty day.” She mumbles into my chest.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not now. Maybe later.”
We walk over to the dining room table where I had laid out dinner for us — chicken and saffron rice, a sweet and savory dish her mom had taught me to make. The sight of the familiar dish makes her smile. It’s a sad, “Wow I really needed this” kind of smile. Not the kind of smile you want to rub in good news to.
“How was practice today?” Violet asks as she finishes the last bit of food on her plate.
“Practice was fine…”
“Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.”
“Eh, the practice itself was fine. The conversation I had with Coach Jameson afterward…not so much.”
