She collected and distributed another stack. Then another. At the third, I stood and walked over to her, realizing as I got close that her face was dotted with sweat. As she hesitated, reaching for another pile of contracts, I rested my hands on her shoulders. “Phin. Stop.” Her breathing was erratic, and she shifted as though she might try to pull away. All at once, her body sagged, and I stepped back and braced as she fell into me,wrapping my arms around her to balance us both. I stilled, the shake of her shoulders indicating that she was crying.
“It’s my fault,” she gasped. “They’re in danger because of me.”
I gripped her harder. “What? Nonsense, everyone is fine.”
“The angels nearly found the glade! Greta was here, and Seir said?—”
“Coltor noticed them straightaway and made sure they kept their distance. He’s been guarding the ruins of Emankor Castle, which is right next to the glade, for ages. He’s very good at it. There are powerful wards around the whole area. Seir and Hailon are there, and Merry?—”
“They could all be hurt because I went there. The angels were looking forme. Imogen said they’re making swords specifically to fight angels. That’smyfault.” She hiccupped and my heart slammed against my ribs. “Maybe Father Morton’s approach to all this was just fine.” She sniffled and looked up at me, eyes rounding. “I’m sorry.” I held fast as she tried to pull away.
“No.” The word came out as a growl, and she stiffened. I gentled my tone. “His approach was suffocating. A punishment when you did nothing wrong.” I took a deep breath and tried to clear the red from my vision and the fire from my lungs before continuing. My mate was distressed, and I was fully prepared to take on whatever opponent I needed to in order to soothe her, to convince her that this wasn’t her fault. Even if that was me. “Nothing and no one would get through without someone noticing, is my point. Merry alone would have every creature in the glade alerting her. Jacks is there as well, and he’s not exactly a regular animal. Do you trust me, Phin? Despite what happened this morning, what you learned. Can you trust me a little while longer?”
Those bright violet orbs shimmered as she blinked. “Yes.”
I gazed down at her, willing my sincerity to break through whatever panic she’d worked herself into. I ran the backs of my fingers down the side of her face, the little sigh she made feeding my needy soul. “Please believe me when I say that no harm will come to you, nor to them. This is not your fault. And Father Morton may have been well intentioned, but he went about many things in a way that actually did you harm, and I will not forgive him for that.” Phin only stared at me. My heart was racing, her lavender-and-parchment scent in my nose and her warmth pressed up against me. “I will never forgive myself for the same reason.” She rested her face against my chest, and I bent to kiss her forehead before I could stop myself. Her skin was fevered, a match to the burn in my chest.
“I don’t understand, Tap.”
“I know, Feather. But I promise to explain.” After a long moment I straightened, indulging in a chance to lean my cheek against the top of her head. “Come. Rest yourself.” I pulled out a chair and slid her into it, then poured her a hot cup of tea. Her hands trembled as she lifted it to her mouth, and my gut rolled again as I reached out to help her. “Are you truly that scared?”
Her lips thinned, and I could see the moment she decided not to deny it. “Yes.” Her eyes flickered to mine, then dropped back to the table. “I know what they want me for. I know they will hurt others to get it. I’m sorry.”
I hated that she was apologizing for this, for anything. “They won’t get near you.” A growl edged my words again, and I saw her blink in surprise. “Please don’t apologize. I knew the risks when I suggested you come to stay here. I do not regret anything about that. Nothing. Understand?” I did not look away until she nodded in agreement, but I could see the question plainly on her face. I knew the conversation was coming, whether I was prepared for it or not. “Good.”
“But—”
“I don’t regret what happened last night, Phin. I swear it.”
She rubbed at her forehead. “But you said you wanted to break the bond.”
“Not because I don’t want to be mated to you, Phin.”
“Then why?” The tears in her eyes made me feel like the lowest wretch to ever crawl out of the pits.
“Because I was panicking. I wanted to undo a mistake?—”
“So you think what we did was a mistake?” Her voice rose sharply, the pain in it cutting straight through to my bones.
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “No.”
“Thenwhat? I trusted you. I trusted myself. And now I don’t have the slightest clue what’s real and what’s not. Everything feels… too big.” She gestured vaguely, and then curled in on herself as though trying to contain it.
I took her hand between both of mine. “This is real. Everything I said last night, everything you feel. All of it.” I inhaled, organizing my thoughts so as not to cause her any more stress. “My mistake was that I took the same thing from you everyone else has, Feather. Your choice.”
She frowned. “No, you didn’t. I participated freely in what happened, Tap. I was the one who kissed you, remember? Nothing happened that I didn’t want.”
I stared into her violet eyes, willing the right words to come, hoping that I hadn’t already ruined everything. “Would you have done the same if you’d known it would tie you to me forever?” My chest ached when she didn’t respond immediately, but I tried to be patient.
Her brow furrowed, and her jaw muscles flexed. “I wouldn’t… There’s no way I would have pushed that far if part of me hadn’t known,” she whispered, stealing my breath. “I chose, Tap. Just because we didn’t discuss it, though we probably should have, doesn’t change that I had already thought it through.” She glanced around the table, and I watched herwrestle with whether or not she should go right back to the frenetic sorting to push away the uncomfortable emotions.
“Alright. We can discuss it more later if you like. But for now, I think you need some rest. You don’t look well.” I pushed the plate of fruit and cheese toward her.
“I’m not hungry. But… I think I’m going to take a hot bath. Maybe I’ll try to nap.” She got to her feet and took a few steps toward the library door.
“I’ll check on you in a while?”
She hesitated in the doorway, her hand on the wood. Eventually, she nodded.
