We’ll do our best to keep you in the loop about Cleveland’s new power couple and their growing family! Congratulations, Alexa and Eric!
Bile rises in my throat, and I slap a hand over my mouth, hurrying to the closest bathroom. In an instant, I’m on my knees, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet violently.
I vomit until my muscles ache, my hands trembling as they clutch the sides of the bowl. I barely even realize I’m sobbing until a tear splashes into the water below me.
“It’s me,” I whisper, pain ripping through my chest. “It’s always been me.I’mwhy they leave.”
I convinced myself of this very thing when I was a child, and now I’m feeling every devastating loss all over again. The men my mom brought around were smitten by her right from the beginning, sending gifts and whisking her away on lavish vacations. It wasn’t until they met me that they lost interest, taking off without even saying goodbye most of the time.
As I got older and put space between myself and my mother, I started to let go of some of the negativefeelings from my past. I fooled myself into believing I was worthy of good things—and that someday, I’d have the life I always dreamed of.
When Eric told me he didn’t want to be a dad, I chalked it up to his immaturity. It hurt, but part of me understood. He’s a young, rich, professional athlete with the whole world in the palm of his hand. He wanted to enjoy the freedom without having to worry about the drama that often comes with co-parenting. I convinced myself that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Because now, he’s in the same situation with someone else. Only she’s prettier, more interesting, and she fits into his lifestyle.
She’s everything I’ll never be.
As much as I wish I could stop them, visions from the future invade my mind. The space that was filled with happiness and excitement just a handful of hours ago is now muddled with confusion and doubt. Sure, Theo wants me now. But what happens when, like all the others, he realizes that I’m not enough? It’s not just me who will be affected by it if he leaves. I have to think about my daughter, above all. I have to protect her, even though I may have to cut my own heart from my chest in the process.
It seems like hours go by before I’m able to get up from the bathroom floor, my entire body aching like I’ve been hit by a semi-truck. My eyes are nearly swollen shut, and it hurts to even walk as I make my way back to the couch to grab my phone. My head and my heartare at war, both screaming so loud that I don’t know what’s right or wrong.
As I’m walking up the stairs, my feet feeling like two lead weights strapped to my legs, I type out a text to the only person I know who won’t think I’m a monster for what I’m about to do.
ME:
Can I stay in your guest room? I need to get out of here so I can think.
SYDNEY:
Of course. Anything you need.
I sob quietly as I make my way to my room, pulling my suitcase from the closet. Boner is at my feet the entire time, his big eyes full of sympathy as he watches me break apart. I don’t even know what I’m doing as I pack my clothes, feeling like the walls of this giant, beautiful home are closing in on me. I’m suffocating, and I won’t be able to breathe until I step away and really think about what kind of life I want for Norah. Because I sure as hell can’t repeat the same cycle my mother subjected me to for all those years. It fucked me up, and I’m more certain than ever that I’m damaged beyond repair.
I zip my luggage and slowly kneel down, taking a moment to say goodbye to Boner. “I love you, buddy,” I tell him, the words getting caught in my throat. “You’re such a good boy. Take care of your daddy for me, okay? He might be kind of sad for a while, so give him lots of snuggles and make sure he doesn’t have to sleepalone.” He licks the tears from my cheek, whimpering softly before he presses his nose into my belly. My face twists with emotion, my shoulders shaking with more silent sobs before I finally stand to my feet.
Pulling up the handle on my suitcase, I roll it from the room, carefully taking the stairs one at a time as it bounces behind me. I pull up the rideshare app and request a car, but only moments later, I hear the rumble of the garage door. I knew Theo would be home soon, but I was planning on sending him a text after I was gone to explain.
Explainwhat?I still don’t know, but whatever it is, I can’t do it here.
I take a deep breath in through my nose, releasing it slowly. I’m not getting out of here now without talking to him, so I may as well buck up and rip off the Band-Aid.
In a matter of seconds, the truck door is slamming shut, and he’s bursting inside like a bat out of hell. Our eyes connect as soon as he sees me standing there, the evidence of my emotional collapse quite literally written all over my face, before he rushes my way and yanks me into his arms.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t see anything until I got off the plane. I got here as fast as I could,” he says quietly as the dam breaks once again, a painful cry tearing up my throat. It feels like a million knives slicing through me at once, each vicious cut stealing another breath from my lungs. I hate myself for melting into his loving embrace, soaking in every bit of the warmth that I’ll only ever get from him, and burning it into my brain.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head as I sob, but moments later, his body abruptly goes rigid against mine. And that’s when I know it’s over.
“Finley,” he chokes out, his fingers curling around the fabric of my hoodie as though he’s afraid I’ll disappear if he doesn’t, “why do you have your suitcase?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, freeing two more tears as I inhale deeply and take in the scent of his laundry detergent one last time. It seems like a lifetime ago that he confessed to not wearing cologne because he heard it made me sick. He’s been so good to me, yet here I am, about to break his heart.
I lift my head weakly, sniffling as my gaze finds his. “I can’t stay here. I have to go.”
Panic washes over his expression, his head shaking rapidly in disagreement. “No. I know you’re hurt right now, but this is your home. You belong here with me. Let’s just sleep on it tonight. Your head will be clearer in the morning.”
I swallow roughly, stepping back and letting my stare fall to the floor because I’m a coward who can’t look at the man she loves while she tears him to pieces. “I don’t need clarity, Theo.” It’s barely a whisper, the words getting caught in my throat as I force them out. “I need tofeel this. I need the reminder that it’s not just about me anymore.”
“You’re right,” he cuts in. “It’s about our family. It’s about us. You, me, and Norah. Please don’t do this, Finley. Please don’t go. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I reply quietly, my broken heart sinking. “But every decision I make will affect this babylong after she grows up, and I refuse to risk her feeling the way I did when I was little. It’s my responsibility to make sure she never spends a single minute wondering why she wasn’t good enough to make people stay. I have to do what’s best for her, even if it means never letting anyone get too close.”
