Thirty minutes late.
Just as Mrs. Lacey launched into her signature tap sequence, the ballroom doors swung open and the Captain Couple made their entrance.
And when I sayentrance, I mean a full-scale media invasion.
No one looked at the stage again.
Every eye locked onto Sloane—flawless in red, though her hair was suspiciouslywilderthan it had been that afternoon—and Becker, who looked like a man who hadn’t just eaten the canary, but also drank the cream and tipped over the cage.
The official explanation?
“Technical difficulties.”
Our analysis?
If “technical” refers to the physics of two bodies in motion inside Chalet No. 9… then yes. Entirely plausible.
Side note:Mrs. Lacey reportedly declared backstage that the delay was “an affront to culture.”
We would argue it was more of an homage to lust.
STATISTICS CORNER
RECORD OF THE DAY: 172 BPM
Earlier in the evening, the Heart Rate Monitor Challenge took place.
We will spare readers the graphic details (we are, after all, a respectable newspaper—and also because Aunt Tina has already posted the footage in full 4K).
The numbers, however, speak for themselves.
Cohen Becker peaked at 172 beats per minute.
Medical professionals confirm this is the heart rate of either:
an Olympic-level endurance athlete, or
someone experiencing a spiritual awakening of a decidedly carnal nature.
Considering Sloane Heart barely even touched him…
one must ask:
What happens when (and if) the lights go out?
Elm Hollow holds its breath.
ELM HOLLOW SOCIAL FEED ??
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