??REALITY UPDATE
HABEMUS COUPLE: SLOANE & COHEN ARE THE FIRST OFFICIAL CONTESTANTS!
Mayor Nino slammed his gavel (almost breaking the podium in his enthusiasm): Sloane Heart and Cohen Becker are officially the Captains ofLove Goals.
After last night’s “live demonstration,” no one dared object. Not even Pedro the myna, who remained unusually silent (sources say he was in shock).
??THE SKEPTIC’S CORNER
PERFECT MATCH OR TRAIN WRECK IN THE MAKING? WILL THE PLAYBOY STRIKE AGAIN?
Anonymous poll (but we all know Joyce wrote it)
Yes, the kiss looked like it came straight out of a movie.
Yes, they’re painfully attractive.
But let’s not forget who we’re dealing with.
On one side: Sloane Heart, professional matchmaker and notoriously single.
On the other: Cohen Becker, #9, known for changing dates more often than he changes studs on his cleats.
The question Elm Hollow is asking while polishing off the popcorn is:How long will it last?
Will Becker keep his zipper up for the entire duration of the show? Or will our Queen of Hearts end up with her heart shattered on live TV at the first sign of temptation (or the first leggy model who walks by)?
Bets are now open at the local sports bar.
Current odds:
Las Vegas wedding: 10 to 1
Crime of passion: 5 to 1
Cheating in the first episode: 3 to 1
??CRIME & (PINK) PASSION
LINA COLLINS ATTACKS FRANCIS GRANDE: “THAT VEST IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY”
The chaos wasn’t limited to center stage. In the back rows, things almost got physical.
ChefLina Collins(famous for her incredible food and even more incredible hair) attempted to launch herself bodily at our esteemed reporter Francis Grande.
Official reason? Defending her friend Sloane’s honor.
Unofficial reason (shouted by Lina herself while being held back):
“That tweed vest smells like mothballs and desperation!”
Francis’s poor vest came out wrinkled and, allegedly, emotionally scarred.
Francis Grande has commented: “Fashion is subjective. Assault is not. My lawyer will be informed.”
??HERO OF THE DAY (AND HIS FOREARMS)
SEBASTIAN DEVEREAUX SAVES FRANCIS’S LIFE
