Distance, my ass.
Exclusives, Gossip & Collective Hysteria
(An Unrequested Archive of the Most Reliable Sources in the Galaxy, According to Elm Hollow)
?? THE ELM HOLLOW GAZETTE
by Francis Grande — journalist, official pie contest judge, and proud president of the Chit-Chat & Chardonnay Club
?? EXPOSED!
If you were still wondering who testosterone-king soccer starCohen Beckerbought that infamous lingerie for at the downtown boutique…
We finally have the answer.
Reliable—extremelyreliable—sources confirm that yes, the black lace bodysuit was, in fact, purchased forSloane Heart.
So what does this mean?
Is it official?
Are they Elm Hollow’s newIt Couple?
Will they be competing together on the Valentine’s reality show?
Sloane Heart and Cohen Becker are hereby—politely but firmly—summoned to the next town hall meeting for questioning.
Suggested tags from your favorite reporter:
#BodyBeckerGate
#FootballButMakeItSexy
#ElmHollowWillNeverSleep
ELM HOLLOW SOCIAL FEED
Trending Now:
#BeckerInLace
#SloaneInRed
#TheMysteryOfTheQueenOfHearts
?? @ZiaTinaTok
(TikTok — 450K views)
In the video:
Tina is holding a red lipstick like it’s the Holy Grail, with a dramatically taped photo of Sloane Heart behind her.
**“Girls, listen up! This is NOT a lipstick—this is an investment in your future!
Sloane Heart was wearing thisexactshade this morning while talking about Becker. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
This red survives everything: coffee, muffins, and—most importantly—make-out sessions with professional athletes.
