Because Ican’ttell him how I feel. Not accurately anyway. I don’t even get it.
One second I’m seriously considering leaning over on the couch, grabbing the back of Jacob’s shirt, and telling everyone within earshot that I actually have feelings for this guy…like deep, unexpectedly real feelings.
And the next I’m learning that he knew things.
Really big things. Things that he didn’t tell me.
And yeah, in the big picture, I’m pretty sure a million people would tell me it doesn’t matter who knew what about Sabrina cheating. I don’t give a fuck what she did. We ended things, yeah, she cheated, and it hurts. Not because I want her back, I definitely don’t, but because it makes me feel worthless the way betrayal often does.
I get how hypocritical that sounds because I definitely kissed Jacob while I was with her. But I owned up to it while she sat there and screamed at me because she wasso fucking loyal.
What a crock of shit.
But that’s not the worst part.
The worst part is that Hughie and Jacob knew.
They knew that my girlfriend was cheating on me with Connelly, of all people, and they never told me. The argument that they were protecting me feels really fucking paper thin. Protecting me would have been telling me that I was dating someone who had zero respect for me.
And all I can think is that I was vulnerable with someone I trusted. I let myself explore a part of myself I didn’t even realize was there with someone I legitimately could see a future with. Someone who wasn’t afraid of honest conversation, someone who made me feel grounded, and then it turns out he and Hughie were carrying around knowledge that, in hindsight, should have exploded into daylight.
Fuck Connelly. That slimebag should have an award for worst roommate, worst teammate, and worst human being.
You don’t fuck your teammate’s girlfriend. You especially don’t do it with the guy you live with. That’s not a lapse in judgment, that’s just opportunistic, irresponsible shit with no regard for consequences.
“Have you talked to Hughie?” Mack interjects my internal spiral and I roll my head to the side so I can look at him.
“Yeah,” I admit. “We talked.”
There’s this heavy pause. Mack doesn’t say anything for a second and when he finally speaks, it’s patient.
“You gonna be okay?”
And I don’t have a ready answer for that. Because I didn’t expect to feel this hollow or this tangled up in emotions I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t expect that vulnerability would feel like this, and that touching it once would be like pressing a match to kindling.
I take a long deep breath.
“I’ll figure it out,” I say, which is probably the safest fucking answer I have.
“What about… Jacob?” Mack asks gently, like he’s already figured out part of the answer but wants to hear it come out of my mouth anyway.
I let out this long, heavy huff. I turn my head back up and stare at the ceiling so he can’t see the pain and humiliation brewing in my eyes.
“I don’t want to talk to him,” I say.
Mack hums like he was expecting that answer. I’m sure it’s no secret that a majority of my anger and pain is directly related to the guy I was seeing.
“He looks like a mess, man,” he says, and I can hear the understanding in his voice, the way he’s trying to be a peacemaker without stepping on any of my pride.
I shrug in an attempt to pretend that I don’t give a fuck what he looks like. Because the truth is, Idocare, even though I don’t want to, even though it makes me feel like a gigantic fucking idiot for caring.
“He lied to me,” I say, plain and blunt.
“Yeah,” Mack says, slow, trying to balance empathy with realism, “I get that… I mean, it was complicated though, right?”
I laugh and it’s humorless. I don’t particularly believe any of the shit that has been spewed about the situation. I don’t believeHugh when he says that he made Jacob keep the secret or that it was a hard decision to make. I don’t believe Terry when he says that my anger shouldn’t be focused on someone who was placed in the middle of a shit situation. I don’t want to hear any of that.
“It became complicated,” I spit out, voice low, sarcasm edged with exhaustion. “He should have told mebeforeI touched his dick though, huh?”
