“You’re so freaking gullible. There is something off with that chick. No one is that perky all the damn time. It’s a red flag. No pussy is that good that you can’t see what’s right in front of you,” he fumes.
“Ironic since you can’t see past my sister’s vagina long enough to realize she physically abused you two weeks ago!” I scoff. “Or that you follow her and her bitch squad around like a lost puppy because you know you’ll get laid if you’re a good boy? Who the fuck are you to tell meI’mblind?”
Oh shit. I didn’t mean to word vomit everywhere.
The panic is mounting by the second, and I know I need to get out of here before Cullen sees the hot mess that I really am. My stomach churns, my breathing short and choppy. The thick humidity is choking my tight airway. I can’t get a full breath, no matter how hard I try.
“My relationship with your sister isn’t up for discussion right now. What matters is how fucked up you were at that party and how no one else was. I asked around. I still think Ella slipped you something.”
Where is all this Ella hate coming from?
Tell him what the creepy text said.That will prove Ella is innocent in all of this.
But my anxiety likes to make my life difficult. So instead of giving Cull the logical explanation, I make Ella’s case worse.
“Listen, just because Ella takes pills occasionally, doesn’t mean—”
“I knew it! I knew something was off with her.” He’s outright screaming at me now, his shoulders tense and arm muscles bunched. “She’s going to suck you into a black hole, Hud, and then what? You’re going to be a druggie, too?”
Although I deserve every ounce of his anger, my nervous system is sending my tongue into overdrive. “Fuck you, Cullen. At least Ella doesn’t make me feel like shit for my decisions.”
His eyes widen, a spark of hurt flashing in them.
If I wasn’t such a fuck up, this wouldn’t be happening right now. All I do is hurt everyone around me.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Waste of space.
Liar.
“I-I can’t do this.” I want to claw my skin off to get this buzzing sensation to stop.
“Pathetic,” he scoffs quietly.
My body moves of its own accord, bolting up the small hill, words impossible.
“You’re running away because you know I’m right! Don’t be such a coward,” he yells at my retreating back.
He’s right. I am pathetic. A coward.
I can’t even be honest with the people in my life about being gay or struggling with panic attacks and mental health. I keep everything buried because I’m nothing but a strain on everyone. The less they know, the less they’ll have to worry. The easier I’ll be to love.
I’m just taking up space. Breathing air that should go to someone who matters.
They’re all better off without me.
My breathing is labored, and running isn’t helping. I fumble with my keys, remote-starting my car as the roar of the engine growls to life. Tears are welling in my eyes as I jump in, throw the Bronco in reverse, and bump my way down the potholed dirt road. My vision blurs, and I’m genuinely afraid I might pass out. I know I shouldn’t be driving like this, but asking Cullen for a ride wasn’t an option. Having him witness me break definitely wasn’t an option, either.
I remember the spare pills in my glovebox and desperately scramble for the smooth bottle, but come up empty.I know it’s in here. I fumble through the center console and the side pocket in my door as best I can without veering off the road, my speed well over the town limit. I still can’t find my medicine, and that only ratchets up my panic.
Every breath chokes in my throat. My chest feels crushed, my ribs splintering under invisible pressure. My lungs burn from the ragged, useless gasps I keep trying to suck in.
I don’t even know if I’m headed in the right direction. I’m just trusting muscle memory to get me home.
A shrill ring pierces through the car, making me jump, adding to the hysteria coursing through me. My mom’s name flashes on the console screen, and the sight of it opens the floodgates, my tears blurring my vision. I try to handle these things on my own, but right now I need my mom’s reassurance more than anything.
