If I’d just stayed out of their business, maybe this karma wouldn’t be choking me right now. I should’ve stayed in my lane. I was fine loving Cullen from afar. I’d accepted how things were, but then I got greedy—delusional enough to think I could magically make him want me by pulling a couple of dumb jokes.
Getting lost in my thoughts, I let Ella lead the conversation for the rest of the night, my social meter already empty. I chime in when it feels necessary, but I don’t offer anything of substance.
The longer the date drags on, the more I pull into myself, and by the time we finish mini golf, I could give Eeyore a runfor his money. Ella doesn’t seem to notice. She’s just happy to be hanging out.
We’re driving home in silence when something occurs to me. If I tell Ella I just want to be friends, it’ll crush her. It’s obvious that tonight meant a lot to her, and no matter how I let her down, it could mess everything up. Still… maybe if I can make her understand…
I pull into her driveway and stare at the steering wheel.I have to tell her.
“Thank you for tonight, Hudson. I know you weren’t as excit—”
“Ella, I’m gay.”
The words come out small and tight, and the reality that I can’t take them back terrifies me. She’s not the person I imagined coming out to first, but I’ve been backed into so many corners, I don’t see a better way out. I hate letting people down, but I hope this helps her understand it’s not about her. It never was. It’s about me.
Ella’s brown eyes go wide, jaw slack. After a few seconds, confusion creeps in. “Then why did you agree to go out tonight?”
My breath comes out slow, the tightness in my chest easing. “I panicked, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My parents don’t know.No oneknows. You’re the first person I’ve told.”
Her eyebrows pull together. “Not even Hadley? Or Cullen?”
“No. Not even them.” She’s sitting still, surprised. “I’m not ready for them to know. I’m not ashamed or confused about who I am. I’ve just never felt the need to tell anyone. People can be judgmental assholes, and until I find someone worth coming out for, I’d rather keep it under wraps.”
I don’t tell her I was prepared to stay in the closet forever, since Cullen will never magically switch teams.
“Why did you tell me?”
“I was planning on telling you we should just stay friends,” I admit with a shrug. “Figured if I gave you the reason why, it’d be easier to hear.”
She gives me a small understanding smile, then her eyes widen like she’s just solved a riddle she didn’t know she was working on. “I have the best idea.” She’s bouncing in the seat, excitement radiating off of her. “I can be your beard!”
My brows knit. “My what?”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Your beard, silly. You know, your fake girlfriend? Your cover up so no one figures you out.”
She’s certainly eager.
“I know what a beard is. But why would you want to be mine? If you haven’t noticed, I’ve done fine so far by myself. I don’t need a cover.”
She turns to face me fully. “Look at it this way. You’re not ready for anyone to know, and if we just stay friends, our moms might keep pushing us together anyway. But if it looks like we’ve hit it off…”
“It’ll keep my family off my back.” I finish for her.
“Yes!” Her hands are clasped in a prayer position under her chin, eyes pleading. “Please. Let me help you.”
She makes a great point. If I tell my mom it didn’t work out with Ella, she may still try to play matchmaker with some other girl.
It’s tempting…
I just have one question.
“What do you get out of this?”
She drops her hands and reaches for my arm resting on the center console. “You’re my best friend. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?” Her brown eyes are sparkling but intense as she waits for me to respond.
This would solve a problem that I really don’t want to have to explain to my mom, and maybe give me something else to focus on instead of how badly my heart hurts.
I let out a sigh and nod. “Okay. We can do this.”
