Cullen pushes off his pillows, scooting down the bed, each movement stiff with pain. “I love you, Hudson.Love. If you don’t understand what that means to me, let me spell it out.”
His voice is fierce but trembling, passion burning behind his bruised eyes. “You are my reason for living, and every day this week without you has been hell. Worse than any hit I took. My soul is yours,Hudson, in this life and the next. I would die for you. Gladly.”
He leans closer, lowering his voice like a vow. “Stop hiding from me. Stop acting like pushing me away is the answer. It’s not.I am here. I will always be here.”
“I can’t stop the thoughts, Cull…” I admit. “I don’t know how to make them stop. They’re so dark. My demons…” He pulls me into a hard hug, ignoring his own pain.
That’s what Cull does. Always puts me first, even when I keep pushing him away.
“Don’t hold it in. That’s the worst thing you can do.”
I let him hold me while my mind keeps spiraling. He’s told me again and again to let him help, to be honest, but my brain doesn’t listen. The more he tries, the more it convinces me I’m unworthy. That I’m selfish just for breathing his air.
The dark thoughts are winning.
Still, my body melts into Cullen’s and soaks up his warmth.
“Promise me you’ll talk to me. No matter how dark it gets, always come to me instead of looking for an escape.”
The words are caught in my throat, so I just cling to him.
“Promise me, Hudson,” he rasps, voice hoarse but firm.
My chest tightens. I swallow hard, the word catching on my tongue. “I promise.”
But the moment I vow it, shame swells behind my ribs.
I pull away from Cullen and his warmth.
“I’m going to go. You need to rest.”
“Stay.” His eyes plead with me, but I can’t meet them head-on. I’m scared he’ll see what’s brewing beneath the surface.
I give him a small smile. “I still need some time. This,” I gesture to his bruised body, “is too much. It’s selfish of me, but you’re right. I can’t handle it. The guilt—”
“It’s not. Your. Fault.”
“It’s not that easy for me to believe.”
We fall into silence. The walls feel like they’re closing in, and if I don’t leave soon, I’ll explode like I did at the park. And that’s the last thing I want to do to Cullen.
“Maybe I can come check on you tomorrow?” It’s a lie, but I need him not to worry.
“You can come over anytime. You know that.”
I nod and drop my eyes to the floor, picking at the hem of my shirt. Cullen must sense something’s off.
“What is it, baby?” He lifts my chin, his touch gentle, and forces me to meet his eyes. I stare, memorizing the green in them, burning it into memory.
“Can I kiss you?” I whisper.
He cups my face with both hands and leans in, his lips soft and familiar against mine. I kiss him back, but only for a few seconds before pulling away.
I stand to leave, but just as I reach the threshold of his bedroom door, Cull calls after me. “I’m still yours. This break, or whatever it is, means nothing. I love you.”
“I love you too, Cull,” I answer, my back still to him. Then I bolt out of the house and into my car.
Taking a deep breath, I hold back the tears pressing behind my eyes. Cullen’s warmth is already fading, smothered by the thick fog creeping back in. My glovebox pulls my attention, knowing what’s inside. I lean over and open the compartment, snagging the little bag of my anxiety pills I stored there. I pour all five into my hand and swallow them dry, then start the car. I drive without direction, letting the roads pull me wherever.
