“What happens when the weed stops numbing him? Are you going to start pushing that bag of pills on him?” He scoffs,his hands coming up to grab behind his neck. “Who am I kidding, you probably already have.”
I shoot Ella a warning look, silently begging her not to mention the pills in my pocket. I don’t know when I’ll need them, but I’m not going to let Cullen guilt-trip me into flushing them.
He doesn’t get it.
Ella stiffens beside me, her detached demeanor shifting into something colder. “And what have you been doing?” she snaps. “You want to stand there and lecture me, but at least I’m doingsomething. He’s hanging on by a thread, and you really think love and your little inspirational speeches are going to fix him?”
“Hudson doesn’t need to be fixed,” Cullen grits out, just inches from Ella’s face. His fists are trembling at his sides, and I know if Ella were a guy, he would’ve swung by now.
The tension slices through my high, letting the anxiety bleed back in. I push to my feet and step between them, placing a hand on Cullen’s heaving chest to hold him back.
“Chill, Cull. I asked her for the weed.”
An indignant look crosses his face. “So you’re trying to self-destruct? I told you hanging out with Ella would lead to this shit,” he spits.
Anger rears its ugly head, and I snap. “I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow!”
He staggers back a step, stunned by my outburst.
“I’m trying to keep the thoughts swirling in my head from becoming real,” I snarl, darkness bleeding into my tone. “You have no idea what it’s like to watch your entire life implode right in front of you. To have someone out there trying to rip away everyone and everything you love.”
“I know it’s been hard, babe, but this isn’t the way to work through it.”
“You don’t know shit, Cullen.”
“I know that I love you!” he yells, loud enough to startle a flock of birds from the trees.
I flinch. That’s the one thing he shouldn’t have said right now. “Well, maybe that’s a mistake.” The words spill out before I can stop them. Pure word vomit, but I don’t take it back. I run with it. I just keep hurting everyone, and Cullen’s better off without this kind of shit in his life.
He stares at me, his face pale, but I need to make him see…
“Maybe we are a mistake.”
It tastes like ash on my tongue. I know Cullen isn’t a mistake. Our love is the best thing that will ever happen to me. But I can’t keep letting him follow me down into this dark pit, constantly trying to pull me back into the light.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that shit is too hard right now. I think—,” I swallow the bile that wants to crawl up my throat. “I think we should call it quits.”
“Don’t.” His voice is hard but frantic, his finger stabbing the air at me.
He wouldn’t promise to find happiness if something happened to me, but maybe this will force him to. Force him to stop ignoring my missing pieces. I want him to chase something simple, something easy. Because loving me will never be either of those things.
“I can’t do this anymore, Cull.” I’m fighting to keep my voice from breaking, from giving away what my heart is screaming right now. It’s excruciating, but I tell myself it’s necessary.
“Hud, baby, please. Don’t do this. It’s not always going to be this way. We can get through this.” A single tear slips from thecorner of Cullen’s eye. The beautiful green I’m denying myself of ever looking into again.
The devastation on his face is killing me, but I know this is what I need to do.
“Maybe this is what’s best for Hudson,” Ella placates, placing a comforting hand on Cullen’s arm. “They say if you love something, set it free. So let him go.”
Cull shakes her hand off, his devastation morphing into disgust. “Did you put this idea in his head? What ifyou’rethe crazed psycho who’s been stalking Hudson?”
Ella steps back like he slapped her, shock and hurt etched on her face.
“That’s enough, dude. You’ve had it out for Ella for months, whether you’ve said it outright or not,” I snap, stepping between them. “She’s been nothing but supportive and there for me.”
A breeze picks up, carrying that familiar evergreen scent I love so much. A lump rises in my throat, knowing this might be the last time I’m wrapped in it.
