There is a ragged breath on the other end of the line, and I know he regrets what happened. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just—”
“I’m not okay,” I breathe out, cutting him off. “I told you I wasn’t coping well, but you still shut me out. I’m not… I’m not going to be okay as long as that creep is out there.”
Car headlights illuminate the street, startling me momentarily until I realize it’s Ella. She pulls into the parking lot of the park, so I push off the lamp post and walk to meet her.
“I promise, it’s not always going to be like this.” It’s a plea, begging me to believe him.
That’s a bullshit promise. “The time for promises was this afternoon,” I snap.
“Hud—”
“I have to go. I’m meeting Ella at the park.”
“Oh… o-okay. I love—”
I hit end on the call.
Distance. I need to keep my distance. It’ll help when everything finishes crashing down around me. I could hear the desperation in his voice. Like he’s trying so hard to keep me safe and happy, and I’m just making it harder by existing. I appreciate how protective he is, but he shouldn’t have to worry this much. He deserves easy and uncomplicated.
That will never be me.
I’m watching Ella seal a joint with a final lick when I walk up to her. The second she sees me, she drops everything and launches into a hug.
“I’m so sorry about my mom. She’s insane. I told her to go fuck herself if she thinks I won’t keep seeing you. You and Hadley are the only real friends I have.” She clings to me like I might vanish.
“She’s just being protective,” I say, voice dead. “I don’t blame her.”
When she pulls away, I get a good look at her. Her eyes have that glassy sheen and flushed cheeks. She’s already floating. And I’m jealous.
I want to feel nothing, too.
I slip from her arms and make my way to the bench, snagging the joint. I sit and hold it to my lips without a word.
Ella doesn’t question it. She sits down beside me, rustles around in the bag she brought, and pulls out a pink lighter. She sparks the flame and brings it to the joint between my lips.
The first hit sends a warm fuzz through my skull. I hold it until my lungs scream, then exhale in a coughing fit. The more I cough, the more the high settles in, weaving its way through me like static.
“You’ve gotten better since the last time we did this,” Ella jokes.
“I don’t remember it feeling this good last time,” I let my head fall back on my shoulders. “Guess I was too drunk to appreciate the high.”
Ella chuckles but doesn’t push for conversation. She settles in beside me, letting me take as many hits as I want without asking for a turn.
“I’ve got other stuff too,” she tells me eventually, reaching into her bag. “If you want to give it a try.”
She pulls out the same plastic baggie with an uneven mix of pills in all shapes and colors, and offers it to me like it’s candy. I take it and start sifting through the collection, trying to guess what’s what.
“Which ones quiet your mind?” I ask, genuinely curious.
And desperate.
She takes the bag from my lap and selects a few, placing them in my palm with practiced ease. “It’s trial and error.” She’s so blasé about it all. “These two,” she points to a pair of small, round pills, “they blank me out. No thoughts. No noise. Just… nothing.”
Say no more.
I raise the pills to my mouth, but her hand shoots out, stopping me.
