His face sobered. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you about the fevers. Sander told me I should, but I thought with more peace, fears might lessen and they wouldn’t be severe.”
“What causes them?”
“I do.” He rubbed one thumb over his forehead, as though soothing an ache.
“What do you mean?”
Jonas took a moment to speak. “Ever since I was a boy, my mesmer would craft nightmares of horrible ways I would lose people I love. During childhood wars, the nightmares started to overtake me. I do not know how to manage the fear of loss, Skadi, so I keep it buried until it cracks through.”
“Sander said it has something to do with your emotions. He spoke as though there wasn’t much known about the fevers? Has this happened to anyone else?”
“Not that we know of, but Anomali alvers always have unknown mesmer.” Jonas stopped rubbing. “On the first, it was my father whosensed the attack of fear. The fevers stem from the truest fears of my heart which stems from the idea of losing the people I love. I wish I could . . . feel less, I suppose.”
By the gods, the man could swell my heart and shatter it all at once. His fear came because he loved folk too damn much.
“How old were you when they began?”
“Almost ten. It was during a battle with sea fae before we were allies. I dreamt I lost my parents. I’ve had smaller bouts of the fever here and there. Any woman I care about who gives birth, nightmares of the worst happening will follow. Once Frigg caught a blood illness that Mediskis couldn’t heal. Nearly lost her to the Otherworld and I fevered even after Niklas and other Elixists found the right tonic to cure her.”
“Sander said there have been fierce fevers like . . . last night.”
Jonas nodded. “One was months ago when Livia was taken by Bloodsinger.”
I sat up. “Taken? What do you mean?”
“Don’t you know how they began? He bleeding kidnapped her when the sea fae returned.”
“You speak of the same Ever Queen whose eyes light at the very sight of her king?”
“Love comes in the strangest of circumstances, doesn’t it?” Jonas laughed, but it was laden in exhaustion. “I thought she was dead, then Aleksi disappeared while searching for her. I’ve told you, they are like another brother and sister to me. That fever was fierce, but shorter than most. It was as if my mind knew I needed to get my ass back to searching for their sakes.”
I settled beside him again. “Were there others?”
“A little over a month ago. It was the fear of losing Sander.”
I winced. “Caused by my hand.”
“No.” He pressed a palm to my cheek. “It is caused by me. I do not face these fears. I bury them so far away, they fester and overtake me.”
“You can tell them to me if you want. I won’t tell another soul.”
He scoffed. “Will you not think me a weak, trembling babe, terrified of whatcouldbe, not what is?”
I leaned closer, dragging my nose alongside his cheek. “Not if you don’t think me weak for my fears. I told you I did not want to know you, Jonas Eriksson. But it was a lie becauseIam afraid.”
“Of what?”
I swallowed, clearing tension in my throat. “If I know you, I’ve no doubt my heart will be utterly yours to break.”
A muscle pulsed in his jaw. Jonas leaned forward and kissed me sweetly, letting his forehead rest against mine. “If given such a gift, what a fool I would be to handle it so carelessly as to let it break.”
What he did not realize is he already held it, and it was terrifying.
The last time shattered me, broken pieces were still visible, but Jonas had pummeled through the walls with more than words. Unlike moments in the past, his actions were imprinted in my mind.
“You are soft inside,” I whispered.
“Not a nightmare?”
