He sniffled, then shook his head. “Sorry.”
I wiped another falling tear away with my thumb. “Don’t be sorry.”
His eyes fell to my hand before he met my stare again. “Did your appointment go okay?”
“He’s healthy as can be. I’m twenty weeks now.”
His eyes widened. “Don’t you get your anatomy scan at twenty weeks?” He’d clearly been doing his research.
I dipped my chin, guilt hitting me like a bullet. “I did today.”
He let out a quiet curse, and without thinking, I set both hands on his cheeks. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“It’s hard not to when you’re doing these things alone, Park.”
“I’m not alone.” My hand covered his over my belly. “I have him. And now I’ll have you there with me, too.”
My two boys.
I was tearing myself to pieces with that thought, sending a wrecking ball through the rational part of my brain, as if I wanted instinct to take over and let me land in his arms.
Would it be so bad?
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, quieting my voice and letting my hand on his cheek slide back between us. I didn’t want the topic of my baby to dominate our space when he was clearly struggling and needed someone to talk to.
He seemed to contemplate it as he chewed the inside of his cheek before landing on, “Not today.”
I nodded past the closing of my throat. Maybe he didn’t feel the same as I did. Maybe he didn’t want us to go back to how we used to be.
And that was my answer as to why it’d be so bad.
To hear Beckham reject me…
I didn’t think I’d survive.
17
PARKER
Shopping options in Bell Buckle were…limited. When I told Beckham about my plans with the girls to go shopping for new clothes, he insisted on playing chauffeur. Somehow, on the ride to the nearest bigger town, I’d convinced him to drive home and that I’d get a ride back with Lettie. After promising we’d leave before dark, he gave in.
Now, we sifted through racks of clothes at a little boutique Sage had found online. I’d already found two pairs of jeans I loved, but unfortunately, they wouldn’t fit over my belly, and I wasn’t sure if my size would change after I had the baby—so I decided to pass and hope they were still here by the time I lost my baby weight.
Brandy was over by the single dressing room with Oakley while Lettie and Sage stuck close to me.
“Do you know the sex?” Sage asked me, pulling out a violet sundress and holding it up to get a better look at it.
“Boy.” It was the first they’d asked about my baby,and I didn’t think their avoidance of bringing it up came from a place of uncaring. I got the impression they didn’t want to pester me for information, but honestly, I wanted to talk about it. For an entire four months, I was alone in this pregnancy. Sure, it was nice to talk to Beckham about the baby when he asked, but he couldn’t relate to the way a woman’s body changed. Or some of the other pregnancy-related…things.
“Do you know yours?” I asked Sage.
“Not yet. We’re doing a gender reveal on the ranch in a couple weeks. If you’d like to come, I’d love to have you there.” Sage set the dress back on the rack, checking for other sizes.
Her mention of a gender reveal had my heart squeezing. I’d learned my baby was a boy off the doctor’s app on my phone. There was no pink or blue frosting hidden inside a cupcake, no confetti falling from a popped balloon.
I was over halfway through this pregnancy, and I feared I’d mourn every second of it. The big milestones, the bump photos. I hadn’t done any of it because I was more focused on finding places to survive rather than enjoying the time spent growing my baby.
Would he one day resent me for not celebrating him before he was born?
