I scoffed. “Such an arrogant twat.”
“Always will be. Don’t change the subject. Be honest with yourself and with me, Finn. What do you want?”
I swallowed, staring down at my hands as I fought back the heaviness. “Enzo. But not like this. I want… to build a life with him. A normal life, with normal jobs, doing boring normal shit. I want Neri to go to school and have friends. To grow up with all the normal worries of childhood, not whether her bodyguard might one day kidnap her for a paycheck. I want to have more children. A boy with Enzo’s eyes. Or another princess for Nerito play with. I want to live somewhere quiet and peaceful, where Neri can play outside freely and where your neighbours smile at you instead of shaking with fucking fear.” I laughed, and he chuckled, leaning his head back on the bed. “A bit of normality. I think that would have made me really fucking happy.”
“I can see it,” he said, staring at the roof and smiling. “Finn the Fisherman.”
“Fisherman?” I chuckled. “I fucking hate the smell of fish.”
He laughed, then turned serious. “It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Normality? I’ve wondered what it might feel like.”
I twisted to look at him, frowning. “You have?”
“Of course. You always wonder about things you don’t have or will never experience. It’s human nature.”
“You want that too?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m too far gone to be saved,Fratello. This is me, and I love my life. I have the most beautiful wife and two perfect children. I have the family I always longed for. I’m filthy fucking rich and the most powerful man in Italy. Would I give that up for a bit of normality? Fuck no. But Finn, you can have it. If that’s what you want, we’ll make it happen.”
“I know you think you’re a magician, but how do you see that happening?”
He shrugged. “When the time's right, we’ll stage your death. Neri’s too. A tragic car crash or something. You disappear and start a new life far away. You find Enzo. Find your normality.”
I stared at the floor, trying to imagine it could ever be possible. It felt unattainable, but fuck, I wanted it. But there was one thing I could never envision.
“I could never leave you, Alessio.”
“Yes.” He shoved my shoulder. “You could. Because the only thing that would make my life complete is knowing you’re happy in yours. And if you stay out of loyalty to me, you’ll be miserable.I can’t have that. Stop putting me before you, Finn. You owe me nothing, but you owe yourself everything.”
I rubbed my hands over my face to hide my emotions. It was as if I’d opened a Pandora's box of feelings and couldn’t stop unleashing them. Too many years of neglect had been the cause. I’d neglected myself. My wants and needs. My heart.
“Fuck,” I groaned. “I love you, man. You’re a really good friend. How am I supposed to live without you in my life?”
“We will find a way. You’ll never be rid of me,Fratello.”
“I can’t believe I’m even considering this. Faking my death? It’s crazy.”
“But it’s an option. That’s all I wanted you to know, Finn. You have options. Your future is yours to choose. Think about it, okay?”
I nodded. For the first time in my life, I wondered whether everything I’d ever wanted wasn’t just an unreachable dream.
Chapter twenty-six
Ten Weeks Later
Closing my eyes, I basked in the last rays of Sicilian sun as it dipped below the horizon at Alessio’s private villa. I focused on the sounds and smells around me, capturing them and holding them in my mind, willing the memory to always stay. The scent of citrus and heat, the sounds of Neri and the twins squealing as they ran through the vineyard.
After a hard day's work, when I sat back on this terrace and let the tension ease from my shoulders, I could so easily describe this home. But that was the problem with the word home. I knew its definition, but not its meaning. Not really. I thought of all the ‘homes’ I’d experienced in my life.
My parents’ rundown basement flat in a small town in Sicily. Grim’s boys’ home, which was nothing more than a dirty atticfull of floor mattresses and desperate souls. Diego Barbieri’s soldier quarters, and then my small but nice house in Verona, where I worked for the Buccinis. My own luxury villa in Sicily, which I bought when I moved back and raised my daughter there. And my best friend’s terrace, where I spent most of my evenings. All of them were home to me at various points, and I'd learned and grown through them all. But it only just occurred to me that I’d had the meaning wrong.
It wasn’t a building, a location, or where you’re from.
It was a person. Or people. And I was lucky enough to have had many homes in my life. My father. Alessio. Elle. Neri. But I was still restless. Because I had no idea where my forever home was, where he’d disappeared to, or what he was doing.
“Siro! Do not throw oranges at the girls!” Elle bellowed at her son as she walked towards the table and set down a jug of freshly squeezed orange juice. “If you give your sister another black eye, yourpapiwill put you through the juicer instead of the fruit!”
“Relax,Mama! I’m only throwing the soft ones! AndPapiwould never juice me, because that would mean he’d have to catch me, and I’m faster than that old man! Watch,” Siro shouted, running through the orangery as Elle shook her head with a smile.
