“Tasty, though,” Enzo mumbled around a mouthful of pizza he had folded in half to eat. I smirked and nodded, leaning back against the bench as we ate in comfortable silence.
Enzo widened his legs slightly, pressing his outer thigh against mine. The heat from his body seeped through my clothes, and I sighed, feeling a strong urge to rest my head against his shoulder. I was so used to being careful around him, never touching him, sitting too close, or staring too long, that it felt criminal to even consider it now. But it wasn’t. So I did.
Enzo didn’t even flinch as my head settled against his shoulder. Instead, he lifted his arm and draped it over the backof the bench behind me, his hand stroking up and down my bicep in lazy caresses.
“This feels like a dream,” he whispered, and I turned to look up at him. “I’ve wanted this for so long. Just doing something so normal with you. I’m scared I’ll wake up and you’ll still be in Sicily, pretending I don’t exist.”
“I’m struggling to believe it, too,” I breathed. “When you’ve wanted something for so long and it’s suddenly given to you, it’s terrifying.”
He turned to me. “Are you terrified to love me?”
“Yes.”
Hurt passed over his features, but he accepted it, nodding slightly.
“Only because I’m terrified of losing you again.”
He leaned in and kissed me softly. “As long as you want me, this is where I’ll stay. With you.”
That fear and doubt swirled in my chest, threatening to ruin the harmony. I looked away, staring at the dark water and wondering how deep it truly was. You couldn’t see the bottom. There was no knowing what lay beneath the inky surface. If I stripped off my clothes and jumped in right now, would I sink or swim against the current? Would I survive or drown? That’s what opening my heart to Enzo again felt like.
“Do you not want this, Finn?”
The pain in his voice jolted me back into my body as I glanced at him. His blue eyes glistened in the warm light, searching mine. He looked just as scared as I felt, and it suddenly felt so ridiculous. We were deadly, lethal criminals who had no issues taking a man’s life. Yet here we were, sitting on a bench in a romantic setting, terrified of the power we held over each other.
“I want this more than anything,” I admitted for the first time in my life.
“But? Talk to me. Tell me your concerns so I can put your mind at rest, Finn.”
I smiled because that was the new, mature Enzo speaking. The one who was thinking about me and my feelings before his own. It was… nice.
“Have you honestly never been with another man since me? Am I the only man you’ve ever been with…romantically or sexually?”
He frowned deeply at the question, as if I were trying to catch him out. I raised my hand. “I’m not going to lose my shit and act irrationally jealous. I just need to know.”
“You’re not going to be jealous?” He cocked an eyebrow, and I scoffed.
“No. I’ve been with other men since you. We weren’t together, Enzo.”
A darkness fell over his expression, his jaw tightened, and his hand stopped caressing my arm. He glanced away, and I tried to suppress my grin at how hard he was trying to control his jealousy.
“How many?”
“No.” I shook my head. “This isn’t about me. I’m asking you.”
“How many men, Finn? How many am I going to add to my death count for touching you?” he growled, his gaze locked on the distance with lethal determination.
I ran my hand down my face and groaned. “Don’t be dramatic, Aiani. Answer the question.”
“Why? If you’re not jealous, why do you care?”
“Just—” I inhaled sharply.
Why did it bother me so much that he hadn’t been with other men? It raised the question of why. Was I the only man he’d ever been with because I was the only one accessible to him in the dark? He couldn’t exactly hit up the gay clubs or join dating apps, given who he was. He couldn’t trust anyone to haverandom hook-ups without kissing and telling. So was that all I was? Convenience? Selfishly, I didn’t want to know. But I had to. What if we did this again, and in a few months or years, he started getting attention from men he’d never had? What if the temptation was there? What if he broke my heart?
“I haven’t had sex with another man, Finn. I—” he paused, his hand clenching his thigh.
“But that’s what bothers me,” I argued. “You haven’t had the chance or the temptation to be with other men. Now you do.”
