Neri spun back to face me. “Papi, please?”
I swallowed. “We’ll talk about it when I’m back. I’ve got to go now. Come and give me another kiss.”
She ran into my arms, and I held her tightly, trying to capture her like this. This small, this innocent, this perfect. “I love you,Stellina. Be good forZiaElle andZioAlessio, okay?”
“I will.”
Releasing her, I nodded to her bodyguard, who took her hand and led her from the room. As she passed Enzo, she hugged his legs, and he ruffled her hair before she disappeared, leaving us alone.
“Sorry, I wasn’t sure how to respond when she—”
“Let’s go. We’re running late,” I snapped, unable to look at him as I marched past, grabbing my suitcase and wheeling it to the car.
We drove in silence to the airport, where a private jet was waiting for us and the tension was mounting with every passing second. I could feel Enzo’s worried gaze on the side of my face. I stared out the window or down at my phone, pretending he didn’t exist for the whole journey. I was too caught up in my feelings, in the chaos he had caused by re-entering my life, and I needed to detach and focus.
Going into this meeting distracted was suicidal, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about spending a day on the beach with him and my daughter. Building sandcastles, chasing the waves, eating gelato. It was on repeat like a cheesy Hallmark movie, a made-up delusion of the perfect day that had never happened and never would. Or would it? It might if I allowed it. No. But… I wanted it. And that was terrifying.
Once we had taken off, I placed my laptop on my thighs, opened it, and started talking business to fill the silence, rehashing the negotiations we would offer the Americans. My voice sounded distant and alien. I didn’t even know or care what I was saying. My hands were shaking. My voice was so tight that I kept clearing my throat, and I was starting to sweat, my whole body warm under his constant attention.
Fuck. If I went into the mission this unhinged and unfocused, I’d get us both killed. I slammed my laptop shut mid-sentence and pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.
“Finn,” Enzo’s voice was full of concern. “Are you okay? What’s going on with you?”
I scoffed, throwing my head back against the plush leather headrest and started laughing. Yeah, definitely unhinged. He frowned, watching me uneasily from the opposite chair.
“What’s going on with me?” I replied, shaking my head and finally looking at him properly for the first time since that morning. “You, Enzo. You’re what’s going on with me. You’refucking everything up. You’re fuckingmeup. I’m meant to be stronger than this.”
He stared, his expression unreadable, which only fuelled my anger.
“How fucking dare you?” I snarled, keeping my voice low so I didn’t alert the mix of Aiani and Barbieri soldiers sitting a few rows back, near the plane’s exit. “I was doing well before you forced your way back into my life. I was happy. And now I can’t fucking sleep, eat, think straight, or focus on anything except—”
“Except?” he asked, his voice low but eager. The dazzle in his ocean eyes made my heart race as I remembered that’s how he looked when he had hope. When he wanted something just out of reach and was willing to do anything to get it. I was that thing.
I shook my head, shifting my gaze to the plane window as I rubbed my jaw. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. I walked away from him to save myself, because I deserved more than to be loved only in the shadows of his shame. I picked up the broken pieces he’d left of me and spent years,years, putting them back together into someone who resembled a whole man. The only love I needed was my daughter’s. I was okay with that. Until he had to come back and remind me how addictive being loved by him was.
“Finn,” he prompted, trying to make me look at him. I didn’t. “Please. Can we talk about this? There are so many things I’ve wanted to say for so long. I know you think you’ve got closure, but I haven’t. I could never have closure because of the way we ended. It was all my fault. Can you just hear me out, listen to what I have to say, and then, if you still don’t want me in your life after that, if you truly think you’re happier without me and I’m fucking you up, then I’ll leave you alone. But please just give me a chance to change your mind.”
I met his gaze, my heart hammering. There was no other way out of this. I had to face it head-on before we set foot on American soil.
“Fine.” I gritted my teeth. “Talk.”
He seemed momentarily stunned that I’d agreed so easily, but quickly pulled himself together, sitting up straighter in his chair and exhaling as if psyching himself up for a marathon.
“Okay,” he breathed. “Shit. Where to begin?” he chuckled nervously, and I hated how endearing it was. “I’ve played this conversation in my head for ten years, and now that I’ve been given the chance, I’m scared I’m going to fuck it up,” he admitted, sweeping his hand through his blonde hair. I narrowed my eyes, refusing to make this any easier for him, even as each shaky breath melted the ice around my heart a little more.
“Do you remember the first night I told you I’d have to marry a woman and have an heir? Do you remember how scared I was of losing you? I promised I’d figure it out. I’d find a way for us to be together?”
I nodded, my jaw clenching at the memory. Of course I remembered. It was the beginning of the end. Things had been good for a while after that. We didn’t discuss the marriage thing again and just focused on us. I was deluded, thinking he was slowly becoming more comfortable with who he was and that one day, if I kept giving him the love, respect, and patience he needed, he’d give up the idea and just want us. That was the calm before the storm. Before he went and did something so fucked up, he broke us completely.
“Well, I thought I did,” he said carefully, holding my gaze. “Before I explain, I’m just going to remind you that I was twenty-one, knew fuck all about relationships, and was an impulsive idiot set on one goal. Being with you in the only way I thought we would both stay safe.”
“By pursuing a marriage with my best friend, you mean?” I hissed, unable to help myself. He swallowed, then nodded.
“Looking back, I can see it was possibly the worst idea I ever had. But… at the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings or Elenora’s. I was blinded by my need to have everything. I didn’t initially intend to pursue Elle, Finn. Stupidly, I’d let Maximus and Giovanni believe I was interested in her for over a year because it was the perfect cover for my interest in you.”
He shifted forward an inch in his chair.
“Think about it. In that first year, I was always around whenever Elenora was home from university, hoping to catch glimpses of you. I invited myself to events when she was present because I knew you would be too. They teased me all the time about how ‘enthralled’ I was by her, and I never corrected them because it didn’t make sense to. I liked Elle. We got along great. And after we had that fight about me marrying someone and having to hide our relationship from my wife, and how the hell that would even work, it occurred to me that Elle would be the perfect fit.”
