He rubbed the back of his head and took a swig from the bottle, peering at the canvas photograph on the wall of Neri and me. “She’s adorable. She has your eyes.”
I nodded, staring at the beer label and picking at it with my thumb. He still hadn’t explained what the hell he was doing here, but my immediate rage had eased a little.
“Grazie.She’s the best decision I’ve ever made. And thanks for her present.”
“No problem. Is, er, her mother in the picture or…”
“I used a surrogate. My sperm. A random egg donor. My surrogate is a wonderful woman, but she isn’t her mother.”
He bobbed his head. “You always said you wanted kids, but I was surprised to hear you were doing it alone.”
“Yeah. Well.” The silence stretched, hanging between us like a tightrope that could throw us off at any moment into unknown waters. “Couldn’t wait forever.”
Why the hell did I say that? It made it sound as if I were waiting for him, which wasn’t true. Or maybe it was a little. But that dream died a long time ago.
“Finn.”
“What do—”
We both stopped when we talked over one another. I huffed, then nodded for him to continue. He pulled out the kitchen stool and took a seat. My gaze locked on his hands, on how tightly they were wrapped around his beer.
“I’m out. I came out.”
The words sliced through me like shards of glass, reopening old scars. I froze. How many times had I longed to hear him say those words to me when we were dating in secret? How many times since? But it was too late. I felt no joy at hearing them, because it wouldn’t change anything. Not now.
“I’m pleased for you.” I was. Knowing Enzo and what he’d been through, this was a huge moment. I couldn’t take that from him. But I also didn’t understand why he was standing in my kitchen telling me, as if it would right all the wrongs of the past.
“Grazie,”he replied, but I could tell from the deflated tone of his voice that he was hoping for more. What, though? “I told Giovanni, Max, Cami and Teron a few days ago. They took it really well. They were supportive. I’ve told a few of my soldiersand just let the rumours spread. I mean, not rumours. The truth. It’s been… weird. But a good weird. A few soldiers walked away. I expected that. I’m expecting a few more. Once the news spreads a bit further, I might lose a new contract I’m about to sign with the Russians. But it feels… good. Weird but good. Like a storm has finally cleared and everything is brighter.”
He was rambling nervously. I swallowed, nodding, but kept my gaze cast down. I couldn’t look at him. I was scared of what I might see. The man I used to love. The man who, behind closed doors, through stolen glances and forbidden touches, used to shine like the sun in my eyes. He was lighter with me. He always said that. I was the only person he could be himself around. But now the world would get to see what I had. And it made me happy for him, but also a little sad. It felt like I was losing him all over again, but in a different way. That part of Enzo, the one only I knew, wouldn’t be mine anymore.
“I’m really happy for you,” I forced the words out. Even though they were true, they were edged with the complexity of emotions brewing inside me. I glanced up, and our eyes met. A storm of blue clashing with molten brown, a war between ocean and fire. Our gazes held longer than was acceptable, teetering on the brink of danger. My whole body flared with the hit of desire, longing for a man who could never give himself to me fully. I was never enough for him.
He straightened his spine, narrowing his eyes. “Are you?”
I scoffed, instant irritation roaring to the surface. “What the fuck do you expect me to say, Enzo?”
His expression darkened. That light retreated. “I don’t know. I just thought I should tell you before you heard it from someone else. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”
I took a long drink of beer, trying to understand his motives. I couldn’t figure him out. I used to know this man better than I knew myself. I knew him so well that I wasn’t even surprisedwhen he told me he would never come out about his sexuality. That we could be together, just in the shadows, where the world couldn’t see or judge. I understood his reasons. I could see his thought process. But it still fucking hurt. It was still rejection. And this… him finally doing what I had hoped he would ten years ago… hurt even more.
“Finn, I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry it took this long for me to get here.”
“You don’t have to keep apologising,” I said curtly. “I’m over it. We’ve both been on our own journeys, and we are where we are. I’ve got Nerina, and I’m fine. And you’ve found the courage to show the world who you really are. I’m proud of you for that. I know it wouldn’t have been easy. You’re now free to live your life the way you always deserved to, Enzo.” I lifted my arm and pointed my bottle towards the exit of my home. “So go. Live it.”
He stared at me, a muscle pulsing in his jaw. My gaze fixed on it, hating how the air suddenly felt hotter, tighter, as if he were a magnet drawing me in. He didn’t move.
“Is that what you want me to do?” he husked, his voice raw and so deep it unhinged something inside me. Memories. It was the way he used to talk to me when he’d tell me to beg him for his tongue, his cock or his cum. His eyes flashed with heat because he knew it too. He knew exactly what he was doing. “You want me to go and fuck other men, Finn?”
I lifted my chin, refusing to burn under his gaze and words, even though my insides were on fire. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
“You can do whatever you want, Enzo.”
He suddenly stood up, moving around the island towards me like a majestic wildcat prowling its prey. I refused to back down, twisting my body to face him until he was right in front of me, so close I could feel his next breath dance across the skin of my cheek. His gaze travelled over my face, drinking in every featureuntil it found my eyes again. I tried to keep my breathing even, my desire bound. But it was fucking hard when he looked at me like that. As if I still belonged to him.
“Except I can’t. I don’t want to. Because the only man I want in my bed, in my arms, and in my life is you, Finn Rossetti.”
I slammed my hand against his chest, fisting his shirt to push him away, but the moment I felt his solid pec flex under my fist, I couldn’t. I gripped harder.
