“So, is this...” He rubbed his hand over his head, suddenly looking awkward and unsure how to express himself. I knew this would be difficult for him. He was my underboss, sworn to respect and protect me, but... he had been raised by mypapi’sbrother in a similar household. We didn’t show our emotions, and I was probably the first bisexual person he’d ever met. “Are you… out to everyone?”
I knew what he was asking. How the fuck were we going to approach this?
“Si,”I breathed, standing on shaky legs, but a wave of calm washed over me. A peace I hadn’t felt since sleeping in Finn’s arms all those years ago. Finn was the only person who truly knew the real me. The only person I’d ever let close enough, trusted enough. But that circle had just grown a little bigger. “I’m not going to throw a coming-out party or anything,” I chuckled nervously. “But I’m not hiding any longer, either. I’m still the leader of this family. I’m still me.”
Teron nodded, still looking unsure. I understood his apprehension. Neither of us knew how to handle this. I’d lose men and networks. Possibly some business. I knew I would. Some would leave, refusing to work under me. Others might try to join other families, and I’d let them. I didn’t want anyone in my circle who’d lose respect or loyalty for me because I liked men. But thanks to Alessio’s contracts with all mafia bosses under his regime, which stipulated severe punishments for violence against LGBTQIA+ mafia members, there was a false sense of security around me. Still, I wasn’t fooled into thinking this would be entirely smooth sailing.
“Have you told Alessio?” Gio asked, placing his hands on his hips. “He’ll be able to give advice on how to proceed.”
“He knows,” I said as his eyebrows shot up his forehead. “He’s known for years, but no, he doesn’t know I’ve come out toeveryone else. I’m heading back to Sicily in a few days, so I’ll tell him.”
We all had a whiskey together, and then the men left, leaving only my sister behind. The moment we were shut in my office alone, she smiled again, with tears shining in her eyes.
“You could have told me, Enzo. I wish I had been there for you.”
“You were there for me, Cami. But I could barely admit it to myself, and I didn’t want to risk your safety.”
She sighed, shaking her head, and hugged me again. “Well, thank you for telling me now. I love you so much.”
“Love you too,” I said, smiling into her hair and letting the feeling of acceptance flood through me. I’d never doubted that Cami would be supportive. That was never the issue.
“So…” she said, stepping back with an intrigued sparkle in her eyes. “I have to ask… why now?”
Why now? What a fucking question. There were a million reasons, and also none. Could I have done this ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago? Yes and no. What made today different? I didn’t know. But it just was.
“I was... ready,” I said, unable to explain it any better than that. It was the truth. I woke up and just knew it was time. Was seeing Finn again in Sicily, yearning for him as I always had, and knowing I would never be happy if he wasn’t mine, part of it? Yes. Was Elle telling me that if I had any chance of getting him back, it couldn’t be like last time, another reason? Yes. I wouldn’t hide him in the dark again. But I mostly did it for myself.
Whether I got Finn back or not, I had reached a point in my life where fear no longer crippled me. I didn’t wake up terrified every day as I used to. I’d worked my ass off, forced my men to see me as the savvy businessman, loyal leader, and ruthless boss, and there was nothing more I could do to earn their acceptance except tell the truth. I’d built relationships with themand earned their respect and loyalty. And it was time to show them another side of me, one that didn’t make me weaker but stronger. Because now I could be whole. If it got me killed, so be it. But times had changed. Men like mypapiweren’t the majority anymore. I had to believe that.
“When did you tell Alessio?” She frowned. Of course, it was surprising and confusing that he knew before her, especially since Alessio and I had never got along. He hated me for everything that had happened ten years ago. I couldn’t blame him for that. I’d hate me too.
I dropped back into my chair, and she perched on my desk. “Ten years ago. Elenora knows too. Finn told them to try to stop me from marrying her.”
“Finn?” Her frown deepened. “Finn Rossetti? How did he…” She paused at the look in my eyes. “Oh.”
I smirked, rubbing my hand along my jaw. “Yeah. Finn and I… we were… something back then.”
“Something?” She raised one eyebrow, resting her manicured nails on the desk.
“In love,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat before meeting her gaze. “We were in love. And I fucked it up. I broke both our hearts because I was too scared to fight for us, Cami.”
She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “You were young, Enzo. A boy with the world on his shoulders, trying to find his feet. And Father…” She drew in an angry breath. “He made us believe that who we were was never good enough. That kind of abuse is hard to shake. Trust me, I still struggle with it now, even though Max does everything in his power to heal every wound in my soul with his love. But you must learn to love yourself, who you are, before you can accept love from others.”
I’d never thought of it like that. The reason I pushed Finn’s love away and refused to live in it was that I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love him the way he deserved, because Isaw myself as unworthy. I thought I was a disease. I believed I’d destroy him. If he were associated with me or people found out about us, it wouldn’t have just been my life hanging in the balance, but his as well. And I loved him too much for him to die for loving me.
Resting my forearms on the desk, I dropped my head into my arms. “I never got over him. I still love him, Cami. He’s the love of my life, but I think it’s too late. I’m too late.”
She ran her fingers through my blonde hair. “It might be. But you won’t know unless you try. Perhaps it isn’t too late. Maybe he was the perfect person, but at the wrong time. Now might be the right time.”
I lifted my head. “When did you become so wise and optimistic?”
“The day I married Maximus Buccini,” she said. “And realised the world isn’t as dark as I thought.” I smiled as she scooted off my desk, then glanced down at it with a look of disgust. “Time to burn the desk, Enzo.”
Yeah. It most definitely was.
The moment my plane touched down in Sicily, the buzz beneath my skin hummed with the knowledge that I was in the same city as Finn again. The closer I got to him, the more alive I felt. It had always been like that. I used to believe distance would help me move on from him. That the ache beneath my ribs would fade when I thought of his eyes. That I could kill the desire by keeping myself busy and focused. That I could banish thoughts of his phantom touch across the places he used to worship, his voice echoing through my soul. I thought I could lock them away in a steel box in my mind. But it didn’t work. It just made me feel… dead. I forgot how to laugh. I forgot how to smile and meanit. I lost the ability to feel anything except his absence. He was everywhere, yet nowhere.
At one point, I was becoming too angry, too ruthless, too much like Francesco. Three years ago, when I was about to shoot Corrado for disagreeing with me over something so trivial I couldn’t even remember what it was, it finally hit me. I was lost. Without Finn, I was lost. From that day on, I made him my compass. I thought only of him in everything I did and every decision I made. Would this take me one step closer to him again? Until there I was, sitting in a car outside the gates of his home, ready to fight to have it all back. To have him back.
