My mind spins out, unable to even process what’s happening.I walk back out to the kitchen where Matthias’ medical bag still sits on the kitchen counter as a sordid reminder.He’s beenshooting upto keep from claiming me.
Takingdrugs.
I’m cold and clammy.My heart pounds, and a sick feeling twists in my gut.
On some level, I recognize that some of this–the initial upset–is related to childhood trauma.My nervous system is in fight or flight because I saw Matthias in the same position I found my mom before she died.
But there’s more to it than that.I feel so…unwanted.I can’t tell if my sense of rejection is logical–all I know is that I feel it in every cell of my body.
I just need some space to sort through my thoughts.Unfortunately, Matthias follows me into the kitchen.
“Maisy, beautiful, please.Let me hold you,” he pleads behind me.
I turn and swallow.“Let me get this straight,” my voice is quiet.“You’ve been taking a drug to keep from claiming me?”
He nods warily.“But if it bothers you, I’ll stop.I understand how upsetting it must be to you.”
“Forseven years?”
To his credit, Matthias looks miserable.I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, but he has.
Deeply.
He spreads his hands.“I tried to stay away from you, Maisy.You were far too young for me.I knew how flustered I made you–I presumed it was because you could feel our biological connection, and it confused you since I was so much older.”
He knew howflustered…
Ugh.Humiliation washes through me as memories of how I spilled coffee, stammered, and became tongue-tied every time he walked into the cafe.The whole time, he was thinking of me as a child.Someone “far too young” with whom he has an inconvenient biological connection.
So basically, he wasn’t interested inmeas a person.Of course he wasn’t!Why would he be–I was a nobody.But his animal body has an attraction to my physical body.
And apparently, what I thought was some kind of deep soul connection was also just biology.I was never in love with Dr.Hunk.It was my body.I had no choice in the matter.
I don’t like this.
What felt like a magical, mystical, true love has now been reduced to an unwanted biological urge.
Ugh!
It makes me feel unwanted and worthless.
“Ourbiological connection,” I repeat hollowly.My stomach twists up again in a painful knot.
“Yes.”
I blink rapidly, and tears spear my eyes.
Matthias looks horrified.“What did I say, Maisy?Why does that upset you?”He comes closer and reaches for me.
“Don’t.”I hold up a hand.“Don’t come near me.I–” I shake my head to arrange my thoughts.“I need to go home.”
“Why?”He steps closer again, and I move away.“Maisy, what’s bothering you?Talk to me, please.”
The part of me that wants to fight back surfaces, and I pin him with a blazing look.“Yes, Matthias,” I snap.“You flustered me.I guess I did feel thebiologicalconnection between us.”
He appears confused.“Why is that upsetting?What am I missing, Maisy?”
“Nothing.Nothing at all.I’m glad you found a way to control yourbiologicalattraction to me.I would hate for you to have to give in and actually, you know, mate with someone you didn’t want.Someone so muchyoungerand easily flustered.”
