“Of course.”He’s still holding my hand, and I realize I’m squeezing the shit out of it.
I release him with a squeak.
I’m suddenly beyond embarrassed.Too much emotion–emotion I don’t even understand–floods me.Waves of excitement, heat, and power seem to cook me in their juices.It’s too much.I look over the side of the Ferris wheel.Would it be possible to launch myself right off the side?
Matthias corrals me closer with an arm around my shoulders, as if he guesses at my intention to flee.He’s so warm, I want to burrow into him like he’s a big blanket and never leave.
“Dinner?”he suggests.
Panic eclipses all my other emotions.“Uhh.”I’m imagining myself at a restaurant with him, trying to make conversation while not spilling anything on myself.
“Or a hike.”
Relief floods me.I can handle a hike.It’ll be chill and private.I want to go to a candlelit dinner, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it.
It feels safer to go off somewhere private.
And it’ll mean we won’t have the town gossiping about us.
Maybe it’ll be better for him not to be seen with me.It’s possible this sort of date keeps us in the friend-zone.
But that’s okay.
That’s totally fine.
The point is, I dared to ask my long-time crush on a date, and he accepted.
I can cross off one of my New Year’s resolutions.It doesn’t matter how the actual date goes.Baby steps.I’m moving forward toward becoming the person I want to become.
This year, I’m determined to crawl out of the shadows of my charismatic grandmother and gorgeous best friend.I may not be ready to shout to the world about my future plans but… baby steps.
“Sure.A hike sounds great.Just us…alone.”I press my lips together to keep from rambling.I don’t want him to think I want to get him alone to…do stuff.Just because I fantasize about ripping his clothes off doesn’t mean I’m going to do it.
Matthias studies my face, which makes me want to throw myself over the side of the ride again.
My phone rings in my purse.Saved by the bell.
I pull out my phone, but when I see the number I send it to voicemail.A few seconds later, the phone starts ringing again.I send it to voicemail again.
“Are you dodging someone’s calls?”Matthias’s smooth brow furrows.
The familiar sick feeling I get every time I see my dad’s number pop up swirls in my belly.Like grease in mud water.
“Oh, uh, no.I mean, it’s nothing.Not important.I’m not taking it.”
“Who is it?”Matthias’ voice suddenly takes on that authoritative ring that makes me turn to mush.The tone he used on me in the clinic.
I’m going to need to hear ayes, Matthias.
To which my body answers:Yes, Matthias.God, yes!
“Uh…” I freeze.My parents are a source of great shame.Daisy doesn’t like me to talk about them.She was able to keep my dad from only seeing me on supervised visits until I was eighteen, but now he can reach out directly to me, and I’m torn.
“Is someone bothering you, Maisy?”The deep, protective timbre of Matthias’ voice makes me swoon.
“It’s, um…” I realize I don’t owe him any information, even if he is the object of my crush.So I grow a backbone and say, “It’s personal.”
Daisy would appreciate that answer.She doesn’t want people to know there’s something sordid in her family.Of course, she still grieves my mom’s tragic foray into drug addiction that eventually led to her death.I would say I do, too, but honestly, coming to Bad Bear Mountain to live with Daisy at age five was the best thing that happened to me, so I guess I believe everything happened for a reason.
