“I love you.” We held each other’s stare for a long minute, until with a groan he hugged me close, hiding his face in my neck while squeezing me tightly, and I did the same, hoping it would soothe the raging inferno inside him.
None of us could change our past, but it didn't define him. The Bratva had no place for love, but he did. “Let me be your home from now on,” I whispered into his ear, and a tremor ran through him, as his breath hitched. He didn't answer, but his tighter grip on me was answer enough.
There was no home for me without him either.
Tears dropped onto my white, silky sheets probably leaving stains, but I couldn't care less.
Was there a love story in this world that had no tragic elements to it? Some people managed to be happy and raise a family without suffering. I fell in love with Radmir, but it seemed like our love only punished us and scarred us for life.
We could have been so happy with our son; instead, all we got were lies, separation, and pain, and nothing else. It wasn't a matter of forgiving Radmir or not. I just wasn't sure I could survive another heartbreak, and with our history, I didn't know if we had a happy ending written in the stars for us. He would never leave Bratva, and I wouldn’t ask it from him… and everyone knew you could never leave the lifestyle. But we had a baby now. Was it the best environment to raise Jake? What would it teach him? That being a criminal was a good thing?
But then again, Radmir told me lots of stories where Bratva kids chose different paths in life and it was okay. So maybe I could shelter my son from his grim world.
Placing my hand above my heart, I took a deep breath as the choice was clear to me. Bravery was better than cowardice, because it gave so much potential to gain something more in life than just a hollow existence.
My life was my responsibility, and my happiness or unhappiness depended only on me.
With determination flashing through my veins, I removed the sheet, put a robe over my nightgown, and ignored the unfamiliar ache in my muscles, because it would only create carnal images from last night, and I didn't need lust clouding my judgment in this situation.
I walked down the hallway to the kitchen and froze, drinking in the picture in front of me.
Radmir had a porcelain bowl on the counter with eggs, flour, cottage cheese, and sugar. Jake stood on the chair next to him, and I could see his father had a sharp gaze on him in case he’d fall. “We added everything. What do we do now?” Jake asked, dripping a bit of sugar again into the bowl.
“Now we mix it up.” Radmir took the whisk in his hand and mixed it effortlessly, and the substance quickly became white and yellow, reminding me of dough ready to cook, and then he slid it to Jake. “How about you help me with this, while I get the stove ready?” Jake nodded eagerly and carefully used the whisk while Radmir placed the frying pan on the burner and put the grape oil in all the corners and a bit in the middle. In a few seconds, the oil started to splash slightly, so he moved back to the counter and picked up the bowl. “Great job, son.” Jake beamed, puffing his chest higher. “But now just look, okay? I don’t want to you to get burned or something.”
Although disappointed, Jake stood and just watched his father as Radmir took small amounts of the dough and squashed them in his palms and then carefully put them in the pan. From experience, I knew he’d repeat the action many times, and then fry them. It reminded me a lot of making crepes, and they were as delicious. My mouth watered just from the thought of tasting them.
Then Jake glanced to the side and his eyes widened when he noticed me. “Mommy, you’re awake!” He got down from the chair and rushed to me, plastering himself against my knees. “Daddy is cookingtvorozhniki.” He almost got his lower lip down, trying to pronounce it, and I couldn't help but laugh.
“Is he now?”
“Yep, and I’m helping! Did you see?”
Leaning down and giving him a soft kiss on the forehead, I replied, “Sure, did. Did you sleep well, munchkin?”
“Yep.” Running my fingers through his hair, it didn't escape my notice how Radmir tensed once I showed up. I wasn't stupid enough to think he didn't know from the very beginning I stood there and watched them, but he couldn't predict my reaction or mood in the morning, and it probably drove him crazy. “Honey, how about you go brush your teeth and then come back to have breakfast.” Once his little feet padded softly in the direction of his room, I reached Radmir who flipped thetvorozhnikiand put the ready ones on the plate. He still said nothing, waiting for me to make the first move, and I shook my head in exasperation. “Smells amazing.” Resting my cheek on his warm back, his muscles tightened under my touch as my hands rested on his six pack as I rubbed them up and down, tracing every scar, and longing to kiss them all. He had so many new ones, and they looked even worse than his older ones. All the rugged skin and angry red marks, indicating that whoever inflicted them on him wasn't kind. “I haven’t eaten them in ages.”
“Good” was his only reaction, and then he turned off the stove as the last portion was ready. He wiped his hands with a napkin and spun me around, so my back pressed to his front and our positions were reversed. He fisted my hair and pulled it back, so it could rest on his chest while he skimmed his lips on my neck. He squeezed my waist, bruising it lightly in the process, enough to make me feel the sting but not enough to mark the skin. He inhaled deeply and groaned. “I can get off on your smell alone,krasivoglazaya moya.” He shifted my head and gave me a deep kiss, sending electrifying pleasure from the tip of my hair to my toes. “Am I forgiven?” he whispered, as his lips nipped my neck.
With my eyes closed, I slid my hand into his hair and laced my fingers through it, and I hoped like hell he wouldn't get mad after my words or think I was sending him double signals. “I’m willing to try this out. But I have conditions.”
He froze and moved back, and immediately my body missed his heat but not for long as he swirled me around yet again. This time, he trapped me between the refrigerator and his strong body as his hand squeezed my nape. “What kind of conditions?”
“We need to function as a family. We don’t know each other anymore.”
His eyes narrowed. “I’m still me and you are still you. We love each other. We have a child. What else do you need?”
My mouth hung open at this. Did he seriously think all this was enough for a healthy relationship? “We are not the same people anymore, Radmir. We… I don’t even know what goes on in your life anymore. And you probably don’t know either.”
His face turned stone cold, but his jaw ticked as if he didn't want to share something with me.
“You know everything about my life, don’t you?” I asked, and the guilt flashing in his gray pools was enough of a response. “I can’t believe this! You put your spies on me!”
“It was for your safety. I won’t apologize for it.” His voice was gruff and confident. Did I expect anything else?
“You had no—” He pressed me deeper into the cold metal, not letting me finish my sentence.
“Don’t. Don’t tell me I had no right, when we both know I have all the fucking rights when it comes to you and our child.” Then he kissed me hard, but it was so quick I barely had time to open my mouth. “Fine. It’s your right to have rules, and I’ll accept them. What are they?”
