Suddenly, it all became too much. Classical music, champagne left and right, hushed whispers and conversations of the high elite, overused perfume, and the happy couple, who clearly were in love. Swallowing past the lump in my throat once again, I counted to ten while checking on Jake, who played with Lola outside under our housekeeper, Katy’s, supervision. He tried to teach Lola how to play with his Marvel figurines, but she just sighed heavily and rested her chin on her hand. She probably would have escaped his company if any other kids were present.
He’d be fine without me for a little while, so I told my mom, “I’m going to lie down for a few minutes.”
She touched my arm gently. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah, no worries, Mama.” I went upstairs, clicking loudly on the stairs with my five-inch heels. Alex raised his brow but made no move to stop me. Thank God, one of his business colleagues was here, or he wouldn't have left my side.
One more month and our divorce would be finalized, just one more month of this make-believe life. I could survive it; I had survived six years after all.
Finally, I reached the door, shutting it as softly as possible behind me, and leaned against it, gulping breaths as tears slid down my cheeks. Wiping them quickly away so they wouldn't ruin my makeup, I walked to my closet, took out a box from the top shelf, and sat down on the floor with it. The box held the pictures of Radmir and me in a photo booth while I tried to convince him to smile more because he couldn't let go of his serious expression. Beside it lay a black, square, jewelry box. Running my fingers lovingly over the box, I opened it and the most beautiful ring, according to me, came into view. A five-carat sapphire was surrounded by tiny little crystal-clear diamonds, almost reflecting my face in them.
“It’s huge, Radmir!”
He chuckled at my words and then swirled me around the dance floor in the middle of the restaurant as people quietly talked. Who cared though, when the man I loved deeply just proposed to me?
“Good. Everyone will know you belong to me now,krasivoglazaya.” His hands on my waist tightened as his voice lowered to a growl. “In case it wasn't clear before.” Then he shut up any protest with a kiss as happiness like I never knew before created a safe cocoon around us, where nothing besides love existed, and the future held nothing but endless possibilities for us.
Blinking away the memory, I wondered if it was possible to live with half a heart for the rest of my life. When he was in prison, my only hope was that he’d come for us and save us from the prison his situation had placed us in. Instead, he wanted nothing to do with me and didn't stick around to listen to my reasons. What changed so much for the man I loved? Even if he was angry about my supposed betrayal by marrying Alex, how could he not want to see Jake? I’d sent him so many letters about his child, telling him stories he would want to know. I even kept a journal with all the photos. He was supposed to be here with us all this time, and it was my way to somehow give him back all those stolen moments.
But he didn't want them, us, me.
And as much as I tried to replace my overpowering love for him with raging hatred, it didn't help.
How could you hate a man who became your everything? It was easier to get used to the pain that bled like a knife wound every day.
“Mommy,” Jake shouted, running up the stairs. I quickly closed the lid and put the box away, just in time for him to burst into the room and right in my arms as I caught him. “I couldn't find you.” He wrapped his legs and arms tightly around me, and I breathed in his scent, which dulled the permanent pain inside me and gave me a reason to survive and fight.
I had a son.
What could possibly be more important in this world than him? I thought Radmir would have understood why I married Alex, considering I explained it in the letter, but he didn't want to see reason.
I could live with the pain of losing him.
But I’d never be able to take a single breath without Jake.
Love for a man was all-consuming.
But it could never compare to the love a mother felt for her child, so I could never regret the choices I made, and maybe that was what he couldn't forgive.
Not once in my letters had I asked for forgiveness.
August 2017
Moscow, Russia
Radmir
Turning on the light, I walked into the apartment wing at the Bratva headquarters, placing my keys on the table while I scanned the area to locate the strange smell, as if someone had splashed perfume.
My wing was the biggest after the pakhan’s, consisting of a wide living room that had a huge-ass window, which opened to a view of the shooting range where members honed their skills and I could keep an eye on them while sipping my morning coffee. A bar stood in the right corner with all kinds of “male drinks,” or so the mafia houses called them, with an ice machine and two stools, so whenever I felt the need to just unwind alone in my room, I could. The electric fireplace created a cozy atmosphere along with the red Persian carpet, brown, half-round, leather couch, and two chairs. An office desk with papers and a laptop occupied the left corner of the room with a comfortable-as-fuck swivel chair. Various pieces of Dominic’s artwork I’d managed to get from him through the years occupied my white walls, making my apartment seem quite artistic instead of a simple bachelor pad.
Pouring myself some whiskey, I moved to my room, which had a king-sized bed in the middle, adjoining bathroom, and walk-in closet.
And a wall with a mounted tack board filled with various photographs and names linked by pointed arrows and notes.
With a red marker, I marked the pictures of Conrad, the delivery guy, the driver who brought me into the plan, the judge and one of the inmates who got out with huge X. I was done with them, and they had learned their lesson.
I had left Benjamin for the great finale. He had to suffer more than the rest.
