“Lor didn’t want to keep the pregnancy. I asked her to, and she agreed. The thing is, I’m almost thirty. People talk about women and their maternal clock ticking, but no one talks about how men kind of go through that, too. Sure, we’re able to reproduce far longer than women. Their clocks are biology, right? But men can feel the weight of time pass without having children too. When Lor said she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, I had a moment of internal panic.Now, or it might not happen. What if this is my only chance?So I asked her to keep it, and she agreed.”
“You’re not sure you want to be a father?”
“No, I’m sure I want to be a father. I’m just not sure I’m ready to be a father. I didn’t see being a father happening like this. You know, soon after we moved to the estate permanently, Dad asked us all if we wanted to build a house. My brothers all did. His brothers did. But I wanted to wait. I thought I wanted a house that my wife and I built together, with our family in mind.”
“That’s not how this is happening,” I note.
“Exactly. All my decisions are sure. I research the fuck out of everything until I’m more than fucking confident with the decision I made. I didn’t have that kind of time when Lor told me she was pregnant. I didn’t have time to think everything through. I don’t regret this. That’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m just…”
“Scared,” I suggest.
Voss sighs. “Yeah. I’m not ready. He’ll be here any day now, and I still feel like I’m barely treading water.”
“You’re not alone,” I remind him. “You have a really big family that loves you, and they’re all so damn excited about your baby.”
His nod is subtle. Slow. “I guess maybe this goes back to what I was thinking about Dad earlier. He’s not perfect, even though the world sees him as perfect. But even in all that imperfection, I’m not sure I can live up to Dad as a father.”
“I’m suddenly relieved that I have a shitty family. I have no unrealistic expectations for myself.”
Voss snorts. “Comforting. Thanks.”
I grin and hug him tightly. “Briar once told me that no matter how much you prepare for your child, no matter how educatedyou are on raising a child and parenting, there’s no one way to do it. No one is ever truly prepared. Everything about raising a kid is trial and error. The part where you pass or fail is in how you treat your child—giving them unconditional love and respect. Teaching them kindness, love, strength, and to think for themselves. Teaching them to love themselves, no matter who they are. The end result is what’s going to determine whether you’re a good parent. That’s why you all think your dad is the best parent because of how you all turned out. You’re good, kind, strong people, and you stand up for what’s right. You support, defend, and protect each other. You’re not afraid to be yourself, no matter who that is or what that looks like. And your dad is always right there with unwavering, unconditional love and support. That’s what makes him a good dad. Not his mistakes along the way, but that none of you turned out to be hateful assholes or serial killers.”
Voss laughs quietly. “Yeah. Thanks, Brek. That eases my mind a lot, actually.”
“Good. Now go to sleep. I’m exhausted. Orgasms are supposed to make you tired. That’s the chemical release in you. Why are you so interested in talking right now?”
He laughs.
11
VOSS
My son is bornthree days after Emerson’s first birthday. I wonder how our kids are going to enjoy always sharing a birthday week.
I’m reclined in the chair of the room where Lorissa gave birth. Yes, we did a home birth with Doctor Mark. We hired a handful of nurses to be here for the next couple weeks, both for Axl and Lorissa, so there’s always two on duty at any given time.
Right now, Lorissa is sleeping peacefully. I glance at her and amend my thoughts. Maybe not quite as peaceful as she’d like to be. I wasn’t in the room when Axl was born, a conversation we had together, and both agreed on. From what I understand, it wasn’t pleasant.
Not that I was ever under the impression that it would be. I don’t envy women giving birth. Or carrying a growing human. I’ve been in Lorissa’s company for most of her pregnancy, and yeah, the world is so incredibly wrong that women are the weaker sex. Three months in and riddled with constant morningsickness would render a man a sobbing mess for the duration of gestation.
Axl is in nothing but his diaper. His bare little body is against my bare chest. I gently stroke his fisted hand with one of my fingers.
He’s so damn tiny. So, so small. He only weighed just over six pounds when he was born. I can’t imagine Lorissa having to give birth to a bigger baby. She’s a small person, and a bigger baby would have torn her in two. Or maybe three.
There’s a quiet tap on the door, and I glance up as it opens. I’m expecting Dr. Mark or maybe one of the nurses but it’s my dad. He smiles.
“Come in,” I whisper.
He steps inside, glancing at Lorissa asleep. “How is she?”
“Exhausted. In pain. A little grumpy. Thankful it’s over.”
Dad chuckles. “She did good.”
I nod. “She did.”
He pauses beside the bed and adjusts her blankets a little. Lorissa sighs in her sleep. I think she’s going to miss being fussed over. Dad’s treated her like the daughter he never had while she’s been here. Something she didn’t have with her own father growing up or now.
