He shrugs. “I don’t know. Loren is a little… indifferent during these conversations, so getting him to agree to specifics like that—when it comes to his particular wants—has been a challenge. He keeps telling me he doesn’t care how many. Whatever I want. Whatever makes me happy.”
“That’s useful,” Haze says.
“Right?” Oakley shrugs. “The only thing he’s given me on what hewantsis that, however many babies we decide on, all the pregnancies are happening simultaneously.”
“Meaning?” Levis prompts.
“Meaning if I want two kids, we’re getting two surrogates at the same time. If we want three, three surrogates.” He waves his hand.
“Why?”
“He doesn’t have a reason.” Oakley laughs. “At least not one that he can voice. I tried to assure him that I’m not the one carrying our kids, so if he’s worried about my baby-body figure, he can rest assured that I won’t be changing.”
“Cute,” Honey Bee says, glaring at him.
He grins. “I was just trying to get it out of him. I don’t know why that’s what he wants.”
“Huh,” Levis says.
“Your turn, Lev. Still enjoying being single?” Oakley asks.
Levis sighs. “Enjoying might not be the word, but I’m very conscious of how I treated my last girlfriend when moving here, so I’m hesitant to get involved with someone. I don’t want to waste their time and… I guess I’ve never truly felt the kind of excitement toward someone that I need to.”
“That’s sad, man,” Haze says.
Levis shrugs. “You’re excited about Imry, right? Excited to spend your days with him. To wake up to him. To grow a life together.”
Haze tenses a little, but he nods.
“Why do you look like that right now?” I ask.
Haze shakes his head. “I don’t know. To answer your questions, Lev, yes. I do. I guess I’m not ready to think seriously about a life together when I’m still trying to figure myself out.”
“Sorry,” Levis says. “Should have asked Oakley or Briar that question.”
“Yes,” Briar and Oakley answer.
Levis smiles. “I need that. I need to feel that excitement. Since my ex, I realized that I’ve never felt that excitement, which leaves me a little uneasy about what life with someone would be like. I keep having this intruding thought that unless I feel that kind of excitement about my partner, I’m going to feel trapped in expectations for the rest of my life.”
“That sucks,” Oakley says. “I’m sorry.”
Levis shrugs one shoulder. “It is what it is.”
“Why didn’t you ask Honey Bee those questions?” Haze asks, looking at Honey Bee with a smirk.
“Whoa,” Honey Bee says, holding her hands up. “Don’t rush me.”
“That’s why,” Levis answers, laughing.
I think about Levis’ declaration of needing to feel excited about his partner, and I turn those questions around onto myself. Have I ever felt that before? About Oakley, when I insisted I was in love with him?
No, that future was just… inevitable. Sans change. That’s what I was grasping at so hard.
Do I feel that way about Voss?
I chew the inside of my lip, and if I negate the question about a life together—far too soon for that—then… yes? I always look forward to seeing him. He’s my first thought when I leave work, even when I don’t want him to be. I can’t wait to see him when I get home. I can’t wait to kiss him again.
I can’t wait to know what comes next.
