“What do you mean?”
“I mean, that it’s always been you two. Chessy, even when you weren’t with Jackson, you were thinking of him. Dreaming of him. And when he wasn’t with you, you were always in the back of his mind. You two never got away from each other no matter how much distance was between you.”
She scoots a little closer to me, putting her glass down on the table and laying her hand on my leg. “Then you found each other and those emotions you both buried rose to the surface. It was quick and powerful. The way love usually is when it sneaks up on you.”
“You think it snuck up on us?” God, if anything it’s been chasing me for years.
“I think you two fought it for so long that when you finally allowed it to happen for real, it took you by surprise that it was good. Really good. The strength of that love shook you, and you still hid from it, so much so that you didn’t know how to come out of hiding when it finally took over.”
“But that was over a year ago, Mom. I’m not afraid to love him anymore. At least, I shouldn’t be afraid to love him anymore.”
“No, you shouldn’t, but now you’re making it official. It’s scary, I realize that. I had second thoughts when I married your dad.”
My eyes bug from my face and she laughs. “What? Mom! You did?”
“Yes, for many reasons. I knew he was the one for me, but I doubted myself. I didn’t know how to be a wife. I didn’t know what he would expect from me. I was young, immature, and I liked to party.” I raise a brow. “Don’t look at me like that, it was the eighties!” I chuckle and sip more of the wine and she continues. “Your father was a hard worker since day one. He was a few years older than me, and ready to settle down. He worked hard to make a good life for me beginning on the very first day we met, and I was just a twenty-three year old who would rather go to clubs and shop.”
I never knew this about my mom. I know she’s always been wild, and my dad tame, but to hear they started off that way and still made it work gives me hope.
“Did dad know you felt that way?”
“He did.” Her eyes soften. “I worked hard to chase him away.”
“Stop it!”
She laughs. “I did, I won’t lie to you. The first few years were rough. I didn’t know my place, couldn’t find my role in your dads’ life. I figured if he finally got fed up with me, he’d either tell me what he expected of me, how he wanted me to act, or he’d tell me to go. But then I got pregnant, and it really threw me for a loop. My point is, I was scared I was going to fail. Your father always strived for perfection, which is where Adam learned it from, and I was happy having fun, which is where Billy learns it from.” She laughs but loses the smile quickly. I know she’s blaming herself for Billy’s immaturity.
“Mom, you’re fun and easy going, those are great personality traits to have. Billy is the same and he’s lucky to have you. We all are.”
She waves me off, “Sorry I don’t mean toput that on you.”
I watch her as she picks up her glass again and plays with the rim of her glass before taking a bigger sip. Is there something more going on with Billy that she’s not letting on to?
“Bottom line is you two are ready, whether you feel it or not.”
“I’m afraid,” I whisper out.
“What are you afraid of, honey?”
“I am afraid to fail, too. Just like you said. I just want our day to be perfect and then I want to be perfect for him.”
“You’re already perfect in his eyes, Chess. He asked you. I highly doubt there is anything that could make him love you less.” She pauses. “Except when you cheer for the Eagles.Thathe has a hard time with.”
We both giggle, happy for the break in tension.
I lean forward, setting my nearly empty glass on the table. “But what if I’m not enough? He is Jackson Gage! Superstar NFL quarterback. Coach of the year. He’s being noticed. What if he wants to leave? What if he gets another offer like last time? I don’t want to hold him back if he wants more.”
She plays with my long hair, twirling a piece around her finger. “I see a different Jackson. I see the one who’s madly in love with my daughter. Yes, he strives for perfection. Yes, he strives for more, but don’t you think he’s learned? Don’t you think he knows he’s got the most he’ll ever need in you? If he’s looking for more, it’s right here in Christmas. With you by his side.”
When I’m quiet she goes on. “Chess, please don’t sabotage yourself before you even get there. When Jackson came to your father and I to ask for your hand in marriage, he admitted he was using the fake dating thing as a way to protect his heart. He never thought you’d actually want him after all the crap he did and went through. He didn’t believe he was worthy.”
I didn’t know he felt that way. I go to question that, but mom continues, “I’m telling you what he told us in confidence because I want you to know he felt the way you do now, then. And I’m telling you the same thing I told him. Perfection doesn’t exist. You need to let that go. There are going to be plenty of times that you fail, that you both fail, but what matters most is how you move past that and keep your marriage strong.”
“You and dad are pretty close to perfection.”
“Are you kidding! Honey, we are not, and we had to work through that. It got bad, but we made promises to each other, and we worked it out.” She laughs. “And thank God we did! He gave me all of you! He still drives me crazy! After thirty-five years he clearly still does not know where the toilet paper is kept because he never replaces the roll when it runs out. He leaves his clothes next to the hamper, not in them. Who does that!? And when we’re done here and we go into the kitchen, you’re going to see no less than five spoons laying on the counter because he thinks he needs to take a new one after each stir.” She leans in. “And I know he does all that stuff because he knows I’m coming right behind him to fix it. He depends on me like I depend on him. Even for the small stuff.”
She grabs my hand and squeezes. “Depend on each other, Chess. Lean on one another, be there in the good and bad. The fact you’re concerned makes me know you are going to work hard at this and be good for him. Like he will be good for you. There’s no one else we would want for you, Francesca. Please believe me when dad and I say we are very happy and comfortable knowing Jackson is going to be the man in your life. The man to take care of you.”
