“You know that’s not true, right?” My arms tighten around her, but it’s not enough. I still feel like if I don’t hold onto her so tightly, I might just lose Jami, too, like I already lost Gin and Jacob.
“I know,” she says with a sigh. “I just can’t help but feel like it. Especially when I’m involved in cases with children who have horrible parents or horrible lives. I just want to shake these parents and scream at them, ask them why they think they’re more deserving of a family than I am.”
“They’re not.” I brush a strand of hair behind Jami’s ear and sigh, closing my eyes to embrace the feel of her against me. “Life doesn’t play fair, sweetheart.”
Jami says nothing to this, but a moment later, I can feel the hot tears soak into the front of my shirt. If I didn’t feel it, I wouldn’t have even known she was crying.
“Listen to me,” I say, pulling back a bit to look into her eyes. “I support you. I support what you want to do, Jami, and I’ll help in any way I can.”
“Thank you,” Jami murmurs, and I wipe a tear from her skin. “That’s all I need, thank you.”
We hold each other in silence for a moment, Jami’s head resting against my chest as her even breathing flows in rhythm with mine.
“Will you keep your eyes open for an apartment for me?” she asks after a while. “I don’t think they’ll let me take her in a one-bedroom.”
“Another apartment?” I repeat, and Jami nods, sitting back down in her chair. I do the same, even though I feel like I could hold her forever against me and never have to eat, drink, or breathe again.
“Yeah,” Jami says, picking at the roll on her plate. For the first time tonight, she looks wary suddenly like this is something she didn’t fully think about before making her decision. “I’ll be on a time crunch, though because it could be a matter of days before Maddy is placed in a foster home.”
I watch Jami pick at her food with one hand as she taps her bottom lip with the index finger on the other. She’s deep in thought, probably realizing what it might take to make this work for her and Maddy, and when I open my mouth next, I don’t think either of us expected the words that dribble from my mouth.
“Move in with me.”
Jami doesn’t react at first, almost as if she’s in her own little world still and is simply imagining the words coming out of my mouth. But after a few tense seconds, she meets my eyes again, and her head tilts a bit to the side.
“Excuse me?”
“The house,” I say, pushing my half-empty plate of food aside. I get up once more and cross around the table, reaching for Jami’s hand to pull her to her feet. She doesn’t fight me, doesn’t even hesitate, but I can tell she’s wary as if she’s convinced it couldn’t possibly be that simple. “Your apartment is too small for you and Maddy both, so get rid of it and move in with me.”
Jami stares at me for a moment, seemingly dumbstruck, her gold-speckled eyes reading my face, searching for any sign of hesitation or regret that she might find hiding behind my expression.
“Are you serious?” she asks finally
“Dead serious,” I tell her, and I’ve never been so sure about anything else in my life than I am right here and right now. “The house was given to me when my father died years ago. It’s big, okay, a lot bigger than your apartment … and it’s empty. It’s void of happiness. Void of a family.”
“Oh, Ely.” Shaking her head, Jami drops my hands and steps back, cupping the back of her neck as if to try to massage the tension from them. “Think hard before you make this decision,” she says. “You’ve lived alone for years after you lost your family, and you’ve done so happily, without a girlfriend or a foster child. If I get rid of the apartment, and we move in with you, you’re stuck with us. You’ll go from being the widowed cop to a family man. To a … to a father, really.” The word father rolls off her tongue so naturally and hearing it said almost gets me emotional.
“It’s been far too long since I’ve been a father,” I say quietly. I step forward, reaching for her, relieved when Jami doesn’t move away from me again. I take her hands and hold them against my chest, forcing her to face me. “This isn’t something that I’m taking lightly,” I say. “But I don’t think I can live without you, Jami and you and Maddy are a package deal. That little girl is pretty cool, to be honest. She could probably teach me a few things.”
“This is a big decision,” Jami says again, and I can see the worry in her eyes, the stress that hovers just below the surface, ready to bubble over. She’s afraid that I’m a flake, afraid that I couldn’t possibly make a decision like this so easily.
“Itisa big decision,” I agree. “And I’ve already made it.”
When Jami says nothing to this, I lift her chin and kiss her gently on the lips, holding her there until she returns the kiss, her body melting against mine, finally letting go of the stress and worry and concern from moments ago.
“You barely know me,” she whispers, closing her eyes to rest her head against my chest. “What if it doesn’t work out? What then?”
I can’t help it, not anymore, and I think Jami is offended when I chuckle. “Jami Newman, since the moment I saw you walk through the precinct doors for the first time, I knew I had to have you. I wanted to care for you, to be with you,to love you.”
Jami swallows and leans back, eyes catching mine, and a single tear escapes from between her lids and slides down her cheek. I kiss it away, take her face between my hands, and brush a strand of chestnut hair behind one ear.
“I love you,” I say again, and this time when the words hit her ears, Jami sobs, but this time there’s no sadness behind those tears, only blissful happiness that reaches down into the darkest parts of my soul and washes the shadows in an endless glow of joy, happiness.
“Ely,” she breathes, standing on her tiptoes to touch my lips with her own. “I love you, too.”
38
JAMI
