“Renee wants to see you for a bit.”
“I don’t want to go to Renee’s.”
“Just for a moment, Jami, I’ll wait for you.”
I’m too exhausted to argue, too emotionally beaten down to put up any sort of a fight. Watching Kasper Hill be dragged out in handcuffs had been the highlight of the year, but listening to Madison’s cries as Jenna pulled her away from me, from safety, successfully abolished any sliver of happiness I’d had hours ago. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I can’t seem to even think clearly.
By the time Ely pulls up to Renee’s place, it’s almost one in the morning, but I feel like I might never sleep again. Ely gets out and opens the passenger side door for me, offering his arm to walk me up the front porch steps. I follow him numbly, barely coherent when Renee opens the front door and yanks me into her arms, holding me. I don’t realize until a moment later that I’m sobbing again, crying in my best friend’s arms.
“Jake is downstairs,” Renee says to Ely. “Can you give us a minute?”
Ely nods, reaching one calloused hand out to stroke my cheek, but before I can turn away from Renee and back into Ely’s arms, he’s gone downstairs, and Renee sits me at the dining room table, going to the fridge for a chilled bottle of wine. She grabs two glasses, pours me a drink, and slides it across the tabletop before sitting down across from me.
“Are you with me, James?” Renee asks, taking a sip from her own glass. I focus on the wine glass in front of me for a moment, limbs numb and heavy. I reach for the glass and raise it to my lips, taking a long drink of white wine, which seems to settle my nerves almost immediately.
“I’m sorry,” I say after a few minutes. “I’m a mess.”
“A little bit,” says Renee, but she’s smiling, teasing me. I can’t seem to find a smile to return. I take another drink and wipe whatever moisture had been left over from my face, embarrassed over my mini meltdown.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I tell Renee, resting my head in my hands. “I’ve been doing this work for years, Ren and I’ve never been affected to this extent. I feel … broken.”
“Kasper Hill is on his way to prison,” Renee reminds me. “And Madison is finally safe from him.”
“At what cost? The death of her mother? Foster care? I’m wondering if I actually ended up helping Maddy in the end, or if I just made her life worse.”
Renee reaches across the table and takes my hand, squeezing it. “You very well could have saved that little girl’s life, Jami. Kasper is a dangerous person, and it could have been a matter of time before his anger switched directions and he ended up hurting Madison. You did the right thing.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye to her.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as tears threaten to well again, trying to focus instead on the oak tabletop below me. “What if I never see her again? I don’t think I could handle that.”
Silence follows this, and for a long moment, Renee just looks at me. She looks thoughtful, almost, like she’s working on what she wants to say next. I wipe the tears pooling at the edges of my lids and clear my throat, reaching once more for my wine glass. My hand has just wrapped around the glass when Renee speaks again, but there is something different in her voice now, something I can’t quite pin down.
“Tell me what you want, Jami,” she says suddenly, her emerald eyes narrowed in my direction, reading into my soul like an open book. I sigh and take another drink from my wine glass, cowering a bit under my best friend’s gaze.
“I want a lot of things,” I admit. “Too many things, probably.”
“Don’t bullshit me, James.” Renee leans forward, over the table, forcing me to meet her gaze. “I’m talking about Madison Hill. I know she’s a foster kid now, and I know you love her.”
“Love is a strong word,” I start to argue, but Renee holds up a hand to shut me up.
“You have more love for that little girl than I think you’ve ever had for anyone,” she says softly. “And it started the day you met her. So I’m going to ask you again, and you’re going to answer with the truth … what do you want, Jami?”
“I want her.” I set down my glass of wine and scoot it away from me, finally meeting Renee’s eyes without having to look away. “I want a family, Ren, and I want Maddy to be a part of that family.”
Renee smiles and comes around the table to put her arms around me. “I think that the state won’t be able to find a better guardian for Madison Hill than you,” she says softly. “And I think Maddy is who you’ve been waiting for all this time.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy, Ren.” I close my eyes as my friend continues to hug me, comforting as ever. “I’m Madison’s social worker. I don’t think they’ll let me foster her as long as I’m on her case.”
Renee smiles at this, planting a quick kiss on my cheek before she releases me. “You’ll figure it out,” she says, and the confidence in her voice encourages me. “You always do, James.”
35
ELY
It’s almost three in the morning when Jami and I get back to my house, and I know we’re both equally exhausted over the long day and even longer night. Jami is practically stumbling through the living room as she makes her way to the back bedroom, kicking off her shoes as she does so. She hasn’t said much, but the conversation with Renee must have been better than expected, because she’s no longer sobbing, and I can only assume that’s a good sign.
“I have to talk to my supervisor tomorrow,” Jami says to me as she crawls into the bed, under the covers, and pulls the top sheet up to her chin. She yawns, and I lean over to sneak a kiss. Jami giggles. I missed that giggle.
“What for?” I ask. “Is everything okay?”
