“Let's go,” I said, and he frowned, lifting himself from the chair.
“Why do you look like somebody just kicked your dog, man?”
“I said, let's go.” Fuming, I followed Hansen out the door to the parking lot, where his truck waited for us. I tossed my crutches into the back of the truck and slid into the passenger seat, more than ready to get out of here. I knew I would have to come back next week to see Peyton again for my appointment, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to. She probably didn't want me as a patient any more than I wanted her as a therapist, but what choice did I have? If I knew Peyton Blake, she had probably already tried to get me off her service and failed, which only worsened the whole thing.
“Is there something you want to tell me?” asked Hansen, peering over at me from the driver's seat as he pulled the truck out of the parking lot. “That girl in there, your physical therapist. You looked like you’d seen a ghost when you saw her. Do you know her?”
I sighed, turning away from Hansen to stare out the window. I almost didn’t want to get into it, but at the same time, I knew that hiding this from my best friend probably wasn’t the way to go. What was the point? It didn’t matter anymore anyway.
“Yeah, I know her,” I said. “That's Peyton Blake. She was my first...love, I guess?”
“Your first love?” Hansen looked over at me and laughed, shaking his head with a grin. “I never would have pegged you as the type to have a love, Butler.”
“Yeah, well, she was something else.” I looked out the window again, thinking of all the times Peyton and I had had together, all the moments I thought she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, the woman I would wake up to every single day. The woman I would have children with, create a family with. We had spent so much time together, growing to know each other, supporting each other, loving each other. We’d fought and made up, loved each other even when we didn’t really like each other. But then I had fucked it all up, which was on me and me alone. If Peyton Blake never saw me again for the rest of her life, it would be too soon, and I knew it. That was the worst part. I couldn’t fault her for treating me as she had, not after I’d treated her worse.
“Why have you never told me about her?” Hansen asked. It was another rainy day, gloomy and cold, and the last thing I wanted to do was have this conversation with Hansen about a woman I used to love. I hadn’t talked about Peyton since the day I’d walked out on her, but I knew there would be no avoiding it at this point. Not with her here.
“There wasn’t much to say,” I said, refusing to meet my friend’s gaze. “She was the last woman I was ever with, and she’ll probably continue to be the last.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?” asked Hansen.
“I don’t know. It just hasn’t been the same since her.”
“This girl must have had some power over you,” Hansen said, and I scoffed, shaking my head, but of course, he was right.
“Yeah, she did,” I said. “Enough for me to ask her to marry me, anyway. But it wasn’t her fault. It was my fault. I ended things with her.”
“You proposed to her and then ended things?” Hansen asked, and the judgment in his tone was unmistakable. “Why?” Count on my best friend to give it straight, especially when I need it the most.
“Because I was afraid,” I said, and saying those words aloud sent another shiver of pain down my spine, but this time it wasn’t physical. Ihadbeen afraid. Sometimes, I still was. Afraid I had made the wrong decision, I lost the most important thing in the world.
“Afraid of what?” asked Hansen.
I blew a painful whoosh of air between my teeth and focused on the rain pattering against the windshield.
“I was afraid I would lose her,” I said softly. “I was afraid that she would lose me, actually. And that she would never be able to forgive me for getting hurt or killed in the line of duty.”
“Like your father,” Hansen said softly, and I nodded.
“It destroyed my mother when he died. Destroyed her. I was engaged to Peyton when my father was killed, and my life seemed to fall apart. It scared me because of the pain that everyone had gone through.”
“Seriously?” said Hansen. “You left her because you were afraidforher? Isn’t that kind of her call and not yours?”
I nodded my head, feeling ashamed suddenly. “In retrospect, I think it was a stupid idea to leave her. But I’ve always known that. I’ve just never admitted it.”
Hansen shook his head again, looking like he might just laugh or even punch me in the shoulder. “How do you know you didn’t lose your soul mate?” he asked. “How do you know that this Peyton girl was not supposed to be the future mother of your children or your best friend for the rest of your life?”
“Believe me, since the day I let her walk away, I’ve wondered that every moment since.”
“Sounds like you really screwed up,” said Hansen. “I have to say, I’m a little bit disappointed in you, Butler.”
“I am too, Hansen. I am too.”
“How long were you together?”
