“So, Amanda,” Nina said as she scurried around the kitchen preparing dinner. Once or twice, I tried to stand and help her, but each time she brushed me off, waving me away, probably trying to force me to make small talk with our dinner guest. “What do you do for work?”
“Oh, I’m a CNA,” Amanda said, getting up to help my mom set the table. Nina let her do this, probably because she wasn’t physically broken, so all I could do was sit there and watch the friendly banter between my mother and a woman I barely knew.
“A CNA,” Nina repeated. “Like a nurse’s assistant?”
“Yes, I do in-home care,” Amanda explained, pulling her blond hair off her shoulders. She pulled it back into a ponytail, revealing a long, smooth neck. Momentarily, I was taken with her, mesmerized by the smoothness of her skin.
And then it passed. It passed just like it always did, just as it had for the last five years or so. Women had tried, don’t get me wrong. A lot of women had tried to worm their way into my life, and each one had been unsuccessful. At this point, I only had two things to focus on: my job and my family. Nothing more and nothing less.
“Have you always lived here in Eagle River?” I asked, making a valiant attempt to make small talk without coming off as a total, emotionless douche.
“I’m actually from Denver,” Amanda said, setting a plate of garlic toast down on the table. “My family lives here and I have some friends here. And, um, my husband was from here, too.” She sat down in her seat again as my mother laid a pan of steaming lasagna onto the table, joining us once more at the table. She said nothing more about her husband after this, and despite my curiosity of referring to him in the past tense, I didn’t ask. We didn’t know each other well enough for that.
“Eagle River is nice,” my mother said. “We certainly love it here.”
I bit my tongue again, because even my mother knew how close I’d been to getting out of this little town and going to Chicago with Peyton.
“What about you?” Amanda asked as I dished us each a plate. “I find it fascinating that you’re a firefighter.”
“Thanks,” I said with a laugh. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”
“Following in his father’s footsteps,” Nina added, and just like that a sudden tension filled the air, smothering me. The familiar pain of loss and sadness tugged at my heart. I looked down at the plate of lasagna in front of me, appetite lost suddenly.
“Your father?” Amanda repeated. “Will he be home for dinner?”
“No,” I said before Nina could respond. “He died. Five years ago.”
“I’m sorry.” Amanda dropped her gaze from my face, struggling to find something to say. I knew as well as anybody that there wasn’t anything to say to make it better, or even less awkward.
“He was a good man,” Nina said, reaching across the table to rest her hand gently on mine. “It was a difficult loss for all of us. But we’re surviving, day by day.”
The rest of dinner was finished in tense silence. Amanda didn’t say much more, but she did keep sneaking glances at me as we finished our plates. I got up after the meal to help my mother load the dishwasher, but she waved me off. She nudged me in the direction of Amanda, who was gathering dirty plates from the table.
“I’m going to go get some reading in,” Nina said, drying her hands on a dish towel. “You two feel free to chat without your nosy mother in the way, okay?”
“Ma,” I warned, hoping the tone of my voice would convince her that leaving me with a girl I had no interest in wasn’t one of her better ideas. “I imagine Amanda has to get home.”
“I do, actually,” said Amanda, shrugging on her jacket that had been hanging by the door. “But thank you so much for dinner, Mrs. Butler, it was delicious.”
“Please,” my mom said. “Call me Nina.”
“Here, I’ll walk you out.” Leaving my mother in the kitchen, I walked Amanda to the front door. She opened it and stepped outside, and I followed her, shutting the door behind us so my mother couldn’t humanely eavesdrop like she was so keen to do.
“Thank you,” Amanda said, turning around to face me on the front porch. “Tonight was really nice.”
“Sure,” I said, making it a point not to look at her for too long. “My mother loves the company, and she’s a wonderful cook.”
Amanda smiled shyly, dipping her head down to push another strand of blond hair behind her ear. In the darkness of the night, under the glow of the full moon, her skin seemed to glow and shimmer. Momentarily I considered kissing her, just to remember what it felt like to rest my lips against a beautiful woman, to let myself go even for a second.
“Thanks for stopping by,” I said, and as I reached out my hand like an idiot for her to shake, Amanda leaned in, closing her eyes, and planted a kiss right on my lips.
For a moment, and only a brief one, I considered kissing her back, mostly because I hadn’t actually kissed a woman in five years. But as Amanda’s lips met mine, any desire or attraction I could have had for her disappeared. After a second I pulled back, pressing my hands against her shoulders to push them away. Amanda stepped back from me, startled, one hand fluttering to her lips in surprise.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking horrified, and I shook my head, wishing I could kick myself in the ass for that.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” I promised her. “I haven’t really been in the dating game. Like, at all.”
“I didn’t mean to come on so strong,” she said quietly. “That was my fault.”
