Peyton helped my mother sit down in the rocking chair in the office, and Nina did so without much fight. I could see the exhaustion in her now, coming through the brave façade she wore for all of us.
“Peyton,” I said quietly. “Could you give us a moment?”
Peyton nodded at me, squeezing Nina’s hand before stepping up to kiss me on the lips. She backed out of the room, leaving my mother and me alone in my father’s office, silent.
“You okay, Ma?” I asked, sitting down on the guest bed a few feet away. “You haven’t had much to say since dad died.”
My mother’s gaze seemed vacant for a moment. She didn’t look at me, merely stared at the floor beneath her feet, wringing her frail hands together anxiously. Again, I was sure she wouldn’t respond, but then she did, focusing her attention on me.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked quietly. “What is theretosay, son?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted with a shrug, which wasn’t a lie. Ididn’tknow. I was barely surviving myself. “You can say anything at all, Ma,” I told her, wishing she would open up just a little bit. “Anything.”
My mother sighed and focused once more on the floor, eyes finally seeming to mist up with tears. “I loved him, Korbin,” she said quietly, and the pain in her voice was enough to send a dagger of agony through my own soul. “I loved that man more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person—besides my children, of course,” she added with a slight chuckle, sounding momentarily like her old self. The smile melted from her face, though, and once more she was empty—clinging to what little happiness neither of us were sure was there.
“I know you did,” I said. “He loved you, too, Ma. More than anything.”
Nina nodded her head, hand trembling as she rested her fingers against her lips. “I just—I just don’t know what I’m going to do without him, son. I—I’m incomplete without him here. Alone.”
Her words hit me hard, like a sucker punch to the gut, and I felt sick suddenly. “Ma, you have us. You have your kids.”
“I know I do, sweetheart,” Nina said, forcing a smile that I knew was for my benefit. “And I am so grateful for all of my angels.”
“We’re grateful for you, too. We love you.”
Nina sniffed a bit, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I missed your brother and sister,” she said. “Ian barely comes around anymore because he’s traveling to different building sites, and Isabella has started her college journey in Miami. Your father and I had just become empty nesters, Korbin.”
“I know.” I hadn’t realized I’d been chewing on my lip until I tasted blood in my mouth and wiped the back of my hand roughly over my face. My father’s passing put a wrench in whatever plans of getting married and moving to Chicago Peyton and I had had—could I leave now, as my mother slowly sank into her own pit of lonely depression? How could I do that to her?
“This isn’t anything for you to be worried about,” Nina said quickly, brushing off the pain she’d just felt like a piece of lint. “I’ll figure it out, Korbin. I always do.”
“Figure what out, Ma?”
“Everything,” she said softly. “With your father gone, everything is different. I didn’t even make my own money, Korbin, Oscar has been supporting me since we were married as teenagers.”
“You’ll get a pension,” I reminded her. “Dad was killed in the line of duty. It will help.”
“You’re right,” she said, but I could tell she didn’t believe this. She got to her feet then and crossed the room, lifting one cold hand to touch the side of my face. “I’ll get by,” she said. “We always do.”
Before I could stop her, Nina vanished out the door again, leaving me sulking in my own petty thoughts and concerns. My father was dead, my mother was alone, and I had been the only child that stayed to go to college here, in Eagle River. But Peyton and I had plans to move after the wedding—she had a job offer in Chicago that would beat out any offer here, and my plan was to become a member of the Chicago Fire Department.
We had a plan.
“Hey,” Peyton said quietly, poking her head in. “Is Nina okay? Areyouokay?”
I wasn’t, but I had to get my bearings and gather my thoughts before I said anything. No, I wasn’t okay, and things were about to worsen.
I stayed the night with my mother that night after the wake. So did Ian and Isabella, but I knew they would both have to leave soon to resume their lives away from Eagle River, even if I didn’t want them to go. On Friday evening the same week, at Peyton’s graduation, my family and her mother headed to the university early to find their seats. I found Peyton at home still. She was in her childhood bedroom, music playing quietly on her phone as she did her hair, eyes pinned on the mirror. She was beautiful. She always was. And tonight was her graduation from college.
“Hi, babe,” she said softly, turning in her chair to face me. She’d been crying, I could tell. We all had. As soon as she saw the expression on my face, her own expression fell, and wariness climbed over her features. “Korbin,” she said, getting up to cross the room. “Are you doing okay?”
We both knew the answer to that, but it didn’t matter. I felt like I would never be okay again. Without answering her, I took a seat on the edge of her bed, and Peyton joined me, taking my hand between hers with concern.
“Talk to me,” she said quietly.
I sighed and dropped my head into my hands, feeling the fatigue and exhaustion of the last week smother me into the ground.
“I—I don’t know what to do,” I said weakly, and Peyton rested her chin on my shoulder, holding me.
