I didn’t say that even if I could change it, I wouldn’t. Paisley Hill had earned her way into the department through sheer strength and will. She deserved to be there, just like anybody else, regardless of what Julia and my crew thought …
…… Regardless of whatIthought, which was something I would have to face in due time.
“She’s a good kid,” I continued. “Tough. I think it will be good for the department. Maybe she’ll be the one to earn these guys’ respect.”
“I’m sure it will be just great,” Julia said brightly. She tapped her bottom lip with blood-red fingernails and shrugged. “Why a girl would evenwantto be a firefighter is beyond me. She can’t just be a paramedic and work alongside them, right? She’s got to throw herself all in.”
“Well, she’s a medic, too.”
The look on Julia’s face made me wish I’d bitten my tongue off instead of speaking. I still hadn’t learned in all the years we’d been together.
““She’s just the whole package, isn’t she?” Julia pushed herself away from me and headed toward the bathroom, her slender hips rocking in such a way that a few months ago, I would have been unable to resist her.
“Have I ever been unfaithful or disloyal to you in all the time we’ve been together?” I called to her departing back. Probably not the best thing to ask a pissed-off woman, but her hypocrisy was overwhelming.
“Fuck you, Erik,” Julia yelled over her shoulder.
“You’re overreacting,” I called. “I’ve only got eyes for you.”
Julia mumbled something that sounded like another bitter insult, slamming the bathroom door behind her. I flinched, reaching up to rub my throbbing temple from where the headache had finally forced its way through.
This would be fun; I could tell already.
Chapter3
Paisley
I walked through the front door of my apartment later that evening, lightly buzzed from the ceremony’s after-party wine. Hanging around with a bunch of men who loathed my very existence wasn’t exactly the highlight of my life. Still, I knew that if I was going to assert myself as one of them, I had to try—even if trying did mean downing three cups of chardonnay just to face the ceremony guests.
I already felt like that without the booze. I only drank enough to relax, not enough to lose control and make a fool. My only new friend, Jake, had stuck by me for the hour or two I was there, and the two of us mostly huddled in the corner, avoiding the judging eyes and sneers of the disapproving citizens.
Chief Davis had been too busy chatting with important people to hover around and protect me from my new co-workers’ hate-filled gazes, but honestly, the looks weren’t intimidating as they had once been. I was used to it now. It was expected. And there was a high probability that these guys would always hate me, so I might just have to get used to it.
The worst part of the night was when Captain Hansen left early, bidding us a good night and offering his hand one last time in a sincere, congratulatory shake. Once I got past the tremble in my knees and the sudden desire I had to take him around back and seduce him, I had to force myself not to accidentally cry or something and throw myself to his feet in a valiant effort to beg for protection from his vicious pack of dogs. Without Hansen there, I’d been fair game.
Don’t fool yourself, Paisley. You’d feel the same way about the guy even if everyone in the department loved you. You’re smitten with him. Own it.
Shaking my head, I closed the front door behind me and shrugged off my jacket, kicking off my boots to set them up in the hallway. “Jer?” I called. The TV blared in the living room, which meant Jeremy was home tonight instead of stuck at ESU for after-hour grading.
“Babe?” My fiancé came around the corner to greet me, pulling me in for a kiss. I melted into him, happy to finally have someone I could lean on physically.
“Hi,” I murmured, resting my head against his chest. “I missed you today.”
“How did it go?” Jeremy brushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear and pulled me against him, the back of his thumb trailing gently over my cheek. “I’m sorry, I got busy with classes and couldn’t find the time to come.”
I wanted to call him out because he’d already told me he never wanted to go in the first place, but I was too exhausted to pick a fight about it. Jeremy was a good man, a brilliant college History professor, and my soon-to-be husband. We didn’t have to agree on everything; we just had to be okay with the things we didn’t.
At least, that’s what I’ll keep telling myself,I thought, and then shoved the bitterness away for now until it was invoked yet again by our rocky relationship, as it always seemed to be.
““It was all right.” I stood there in the doorway as Jeremy’s soft hands worked over the kinks in my muscles. They fluttered from my hands, up to my arms, and down again until one hand ran down my chest, flitting over my breasts long enough to squeeze harder than necessary. He was trying to turn me on, but it wasn’t working. Very little he did anymore garnered the response he was looking for.
“Stop,” I snapped, and he leaned down to nuzzle my neck, kissing the skin, brushing his lips against me, but the expected ripple of anticipation I usually had for him didn’t appear. My career had already begun to strain our engagement, which was getting harder and harder to avoid facing the profound issues it caused.
Erik Hansen was just the fresh cherry on top of the pie of self-doubt and instability.
“Do you want to kiss me?” Jeremy murmured, slipping his tongue between my lips. I closed my eyes to see if I could fall into the rhythm of wanting him, but as soon as Jeremy’s face was gone and Hansen’s appeared, I forced my eyes back open and took a small step back, breaking his hold, fully aware that the sudden pressure between my thighs wasn’t because of him.
And I hated myself for that.
